I gave you
A silhouette
A shadow of
A drawing of
The heart
That beats
Within me
To fill
Freely
To rend me
As you see me
And you
You
You color
Me deadly
In blacks
And greys
With no shade
Entirely
Abject
Of light
You paint me
As you see me
But you paint
Yourself
As well
For all I gave
Was a silhouette
An abstract
Portrait
For you
To fill
As you
And only you
Will
I give up
Why should I try
Any longer
Constantly
I’ve been weighed
Measured
Found wanting
Worthless
Worth less
Than a word
An effort
My mistakes
Are too fucking great
To ever forgive
Apparently
I am flawed
And faulted
I am needed
And wanted
But at the end of the day
Fuck me
I’m thrown away
For mistakes
That could not
Be forgiven
All that I
Have given of myself
Is not enough
To love
I can’t keep trying
I won’t
It hurts
To be left
So broken
By yet another
Who has spoken
All those words
Of love and support
That I needed to hear
Someone whose heart
I held so dear
Who finds it so easy
To just
walk
away
Through all
That we’ve been through
Trials
Fucking tribulations
And I was always there
I always showed
I care
But yet again
I’m just a whore
Just more trash
Worth nothing more
Than a hurtful
Hateful
Parting word
Why do I try
Why do I care..
Throw your words at me
My dearest friend
Let me know
How far
You’d go to end
All that we have built
Then let your silence
Fucking silt
My soul
I have nothing more
I have nothing more
I have nothing more
Than all that I have given
All that I have meant
That turns out to be
Too fucking little
Once again
So easy to get caught up in something
That resembles happiness for a time.
The exchange of emotions and true minds,
Of love unchecked, no regret ensnaring.
Yet never far is the abject torment
The loss and longing, the fear of being-
Rejected, dismissed, a soul left unseen,
To drown in despair long left to ferment.
These ever present highs and lows, although
Seen from the outside may look a mite mad.
To a tender heart are lessons best had.
For grace and sorrow both help us to grow.
In the depths as at the heights we keep on,
Learning where our hearts do truly belong.
Little boat caught in a whitecap of sea,
Swept from safety of harbor, hearth and home,
Cast out to the tempest, to drown in foam.
Violent the tides that crash down on thee.
Harsh the winds that so cruely tear your sails.
Little boat, no peace for you; storms prevail.
Each moment spent lost an eternity —
Each crest and crush and influx, a deluge,
Which tosses you further from sound refuge.
Bitter the waves that cast thou far from me,
As on my lonely shore I stand vigil.
My nightly observance, my ritual.
For you, little boat, crucial cargo bear:
My heart, my soul, my every prayer.
Return him to me, to my loving care…
Late night, the lone girl, curls into her bed.
Snapping the light off, bathing in moonglow.
Cool air on skin, pillow soft ‘neath her head,
Down comforter wrapped around her warm soul.
Against the rough thoughts that thrash wild within,
She grits her teeth and squeezes shut her eyes.
Holding to a promise he had given,
With that succor, she smiles, happily sighs.
In dreams she falls, into his waiting arms.
As always in dreams she meets him once more.
His face always finds itself in her palms;
And here, again, she lives in loves splendor.
In sleep, her true, deepest desires show.
All fears and rushing thoughts finally slow.
A promise said
Meant and kept
By a heart
A soul
Who knows
What it means
To finally be whole
To be made
With a promise
Meant and kept
Hollow words
So loosely said
From false and spewing lips
Wherein love
Does not exist
Just pretty
Petty words
That swear
Uselessly
Hearts and souls given
Unjustly
With no real trust
While in reality
Love does rust
Sitting
Baking
In rain and shine
Pouring down
On devotion blind
To what do we owe
This surfeit of
Emptiness
This hollowness
This pure bullshit
Does it lie
In our seeking
Of meaning
Of love and lust
And all these things
So meaningless
In the end
So what
What do we do
When I make promise
To you
Do we take
and give
All of us
Do we mistake
Compassion for love
Can we ever
See fucking clearly
Through this haze
Of desire
Through this unkempt
Fire
What remains
Of promises
What is it that
Continues to live
When hearts and vows
Are broken
And not a word spoken
Is ever to be trusted
Ever again
What do we do
With a promise
Not meant or kept
To the end
I so want to be angry
I have written
And deleted
So much that my heart
Bitter and wicked
Wanted to say
But I can’t
I can’t
I never can
Be angry
At a heart that only
Spoke the truth
Though I loved
And how I loved
This bitter sweet
Reverie
Does no good
To you or me
What was
And can never be
Should maybe remain
In our logs and history
While my heart
Still cries
And dies for yours
For a touch
A word
A scintillating untoward
Turn of phrase
Before my eyes
I understand
I do
Neither will chase
Neither will win
Both will lose
And while I
Still love and hate
To see your face
Running through my mind
Each night
I so hold close
Your thoughts
Your soul
And always remember
That once you were
The epic conflagration
And my every
Invocation
Of love and lust
And all good things
That turn to dust
Beast, monster, devil
I always wish you well
And your precious soul
Will travel
In my mind
In my heart
Till death himself
Stamps out my my embers
For in my flame
I will always remember
Yours
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since 1988
backwards, forwards, sometimes sideways
so many reasons to empty my mind.
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Whispers of Poetry
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