Tag Archives: Life

Testimonial

This day to day confessional
Admitting my every sin
But not remitting a one
Everything broken inside of me
Has lead me to this very moment
While I wish every hurt
Had never been done
How can I regret that I’m
Still alive

So many chances I’ve had to cut loose
To set myself free
To let myself fly
Off a bridge
Can’t I take pride in that
Doesn’t that say something good
That I’ve been strong enough
To manage to live

I’m tired of the back and forth
Of sharing and having that
Turned back on me
Someone always comes back for more
It is a bitter hurt
That my sense of self-worth
Is exactly what is belittled
Your weapons in this war
Are mine

But I can’t keep backing away
From the places I most
Want to stay
I know the time will come
When the tides have turned
And I’ll feel that crazy
Craving to run
And instead I’ll plant my feet
Grit my teeth
And let myself get burned
Again

Some fires are just flickers
Their tongues lick
But do not sear
Too quickly were they fanned
Too quickly will they die
So why do I
Still fear

I am incomplete and absolute
In all of my failings
I am resolute
Take me or leave me
Though the leaving would be preferred
Accept my infirmities
My dark side and hopeful smile
Else leave me deferred
I can’t bring myself to care
Just now.


My Fucking Words

In all honesty, my heart is kinda broken tonight. I can’t even write. I want to tear up every word that spills from my fingers. Oh hell, I even hate my words tonight. I want to shred them, make THEM bleed for ME. Crush them, stomp them, punch them, kill every last fucking one. I want to slit the throats of my words tonight. Because they all betray me and leave me so bare, all my hurt showing. And I just want to bury that inside.

But my goddamn words won’t let me, angry little shits that they are. All they want to do is tell on me. That I’m in pain, that I’m angry. That I’m bitter and worthless and stupid and just fucking unlovable. That I hate and crave. That I want to die and live and fly and fall and lay beside you and just be… That my heart is jealous of what I’ll never have. Fuck, I’d cut off my fingers if that would make them stop!

I shouldn’t post this. I know I sound crazy. Well, fuck it. I am.

I know I’ll recover. A little more wary, a little more weary. And probably with all fingers intact. Maybe. But tonight, yes, I do want to scream, and sob, and dig my nails into anything and everything. I want to punch and stab and … Who am I kidding… I’ll get drunk and play video games, crying, till I fall asleep. That seems to be my fallback position.

I’ll try to drown out my words tonight. Tonight, they hate me, and I hate them back.


This Love Bullshit

I haven’t been making good choices where my heart is concerned. Sure, love and sex make for great poetry. The more complicated the relationship, the feelings, the better it sounds in rhyme. And when the pain hits, as it always will, there is nothing sweeter than writing it out. Oh, how we love to read that, amirite? But maybe I should stick with old memories of hurts, instead of making new ones.

Of course I can’t go into details about anything, because … well, I just can’t. But suffice to say I’m sick of the back and forth. I’m not blaming anyone but myself for the emotions I’m feeling. I know I am far too sensitive. I call myself weak constantly. Because of my anxiety issues, chiefly, but also when it comes to love. I love love. I love loving someone, giving to them what I have, what I can. And so I invest myself too quickly and too deeply, even when my head is screaming at me to stop. How often are any of us capable of listening to our heads when our hearts have already made up their mind?

This is one of the reasons I withdrew myself years ago. I couldn’t take the pain I inflicted upon myself with loving others. I don’t want to do that again, withdraw. But I have to be smarter. Cuz I am killing myself with this bullshit.


Twitter Poetry – The Archive Vol 1

Claude Bouchard, via @ceebee308 on Twitter told me today to lose the question mark after “Twitter poet” in my bio.  I’ve been fighting it, being labeled as a poet.  I am a serious writer, damnit!  And poetry is so…  Serious.  Yes, poetry is serious.  So I’ll aim to take it that way.  Well, most of the time.  😉  The question mark lives no longer — thank you, again, Claude Bouchard.  🙂

Please enjoy some examples of my Twitter poetry. 140 chars or less.

Jan 13/14
Winter’s cold.
Streets are slick.
Walks from the bus stop – tricky.
Loaded down with beer,
Looking forward to home.
And, perhaps, a Twinkie.

Jan 13/14
Twinkies are good,
But pizza is best.
The cheaper the better,
I say.
Cheep smokes are good.
Cheap beer is better.
Cheap men the best,
I say.

Jan 14/14
There is a guy I feel for,
And want to feel up, forgive me.
He’s spectacular, believe me!
His assets make me dreamy.
My dreams leave me..

Jan 15/14
Oh, words so fail me!
Loving you with my support.
Wish it was enough.

Oh, my love fails me!
Never giving you enough.
Why can’t I be more?

Jan 15/14
Know I have your back.
Even when you don’t have mine.
Hashtag Still Love You

Jan 18/14
When will I be enough?
Isn’t it enough that I try?
Is this my cue, is it yours,
That we should say goodbye?

Jan 18/14
I give my all,
When Love I’ve found,
To lift high and regale!
But when love falls low,
And is often lost.
I’m left with empty sails.

Jan 18/14
I’ll drink my lot
And think of naught,
Find comfort in comfortabilities.
Play Midnight Club,
Aye, there’s the rub!
Delight in nonsenisbilities.

Jan 18/14
Victoria Flair,
Writer of so much drivel,
Invites you to read.

VictoriaFlair.net

Jan 19/14
Nothing to offer you,
Not even my love.
Merely words to comfort,
That do no real good.
I want you, my friend
To find what you seek.
The Best.

Jan 19/14
You’re breaking a heart
That has no right to break.
You’re giving to me
What I have no right to take.
I’m sorry.

Jan 20/14
Few words were exchanged,
Yet enough to spark a flame,
“trespass sweetly urged!”
#Shakespeare #haiku

Jan 20/14
Notwithstanding doubt,
Desire will always win out.
Flames turn to a blaze.
#haiku

Jan 20/14
Heat engulfs, swallows,
Fills the aching emptiness.
Searing with relief.
#haiku

Jan 20/14
Conflagration reached!
Brilliant sparks shatter the night!
A roaring release!
#haiku

Jan 20/14
Flames recede in waves.
Quiet, blissful aftermath.
Coals still burning bright.

Until the next Good Night.
#haiku

Jan 21/14
Wish I was the one,
Your all encompassing sun.
Revolve around me?

bit.ly/1hcEiQM

Jan 21/14
I’m done. Disconnect.
I can only give so much.
Can’t do this alone.

=/

#haiku

Jan 22/14
Loneliness, old friend,
Come to torment me again?
Fuck you, not this time!
bit.ly/1fZ4v8H

Jan 22/14
Put your faith in me.
Please know I’ll never hurt you.
You are part of me.

#haiku

Jan 22/14
Fuck, I can’t help it!
Can’t erase you from my mind.
I saw that picture…

And damn.

#haiku #still want you #sorrynotsorry

Jan 23/14
If I must be at the
Vanguard
at the Vanguard I
Shall be.
If arrows should pierce anyone
I would that it were me.

bit.ly/1bXkpNj

Jan 23/14
Your arrows cannot
stop me.
Not even stall my step!
I will always keep on
fighting.
Dare me.
I won’t be kept.

bit.ly/1bXkpNj

Jan 23/14
Cute boy, it won’t be.
You’re a thousand miles away!
Fantasy – can’t be.

Jan 23/14
Too much fantasy,
Too much dreaming, isn’t good.
Always a let-down.

Jan 23/14
When dreams meet real life,
Magic can explode, take flight!
Till then, only dreams.

And dreams are lonely.

Jan 23/14
My heart is not mine.
It belongs to another.
Though I deny it…

Jan 23/14
I deny my heart,
For he is not mine to love.
Only to care for..

Long for..

Jan 23/14
It seems hardly fair,
That I lay my heart so bare,
Only on Twitter…

Thru #haiku

Jan 24/14
Snot pours from my nose,
Eyes cloud with a salty fog.
Need to be in bed.

#sick #haiku

Jan 24/14
Gusts rattle windows,
Trees flais and twist, try to flee.
Loose shingles flying.

I hate windy days.

#haiku

Jan 26/14
Bad night, can’t take it.
My emotionas are too raw.
I’m feeling confused.

#haiku

Jan 26/14
Bad night, can’t fake it.
Wondering what I am to you.
Friend, ally, or more?

#haiku

Jan 26/14
Bad night, can’t make it.
Can’t take not knowing – Why me?
Please, what do you want?

#haiku

Jan 27/14
A cold walk, in snow.
A pain that would alter worlds.
These are my stories.

wp.me/p4eeun-2f

#haiku

Jan 27/14
@jay_suqires

Jay Squires, writer, friend,
And septuagenarian!
Dream big, never flush.

😉 bit.ly/1ed2KSt

Jan 27/14
@webofloneliness

Web of Loneliness,
All my words are yours to use.
You helped me find them.

❤ bit.ly/1dKhbJ0

Jan 27/14
@Teresa_Cypher

Teresa Cypher,
Weekend Writing Warrior.
And Inspiration.

Thanks! bit.;y/1b3Dhq0

Jan 27/14
@CaballoFrances

Frances Caballo,
Friend to writers great and small!
Thanks for all you do.

Seriously, TY. bit.ly/19YmTvM

Jan 27/14
@ItsReklezzMane

For It’s Rekless Mane,
I have nothing but support.
This guy is awesome.

Wish ya’ll could hear his music. Cuz damn. ❤

Jan 28/14
I’m depressed.
Words won’t come.
No matter how had I call.
I got nothing.
‘Cept this.

bit.ly/1d5CAwc

#micropoetry #depression

Jan 28/14
You’ll never know how deep
And shallow
I am.

#micropoetry

Jan 28/14
Watching Teen Mom 2,
I know I should be writing!
Damn guilty pleasures…

#haiku #lazy @MTV

Jan 28/14
Just because
I’m not sitting around
Waiting for you to call…
Doesn’t mean I’m not.

#micropoetry #disappointment

Jan 28/14
Don’t trust my “=P” and “lol,”
Sometimes my emotes lie.
I may be lauthing to you, when
On my side of the screen,
I just want to cry.

Jan 28/14
Fuck!
Can I just tell you that I love you,
And be done with it already?
I know it won’t mean much,
Except to me…

#micropoetry #whining

Jan 28/14
He gives me the love you won’t.
I can give him the love he wants.
It’s not a perfect world.
We all have our boundaries.

#micropoetry

Jan 29/14
What have I gotten myself into?
What have I become?
I can’t, I won’t
Be a woman I despise-
How did I let myself get here?

How?

Jan 29/14
I want to sleep
To be unconscious
To forget about you,
Not dream about you.
What are the chances?

I hate that I love you.

#micropoetry

Jan 29/14
Dust on furniture
Ling and leaves on the floor
Give my life meaning
How sad is that?

#micropoetry

Jan 29/14
Sometimes, when i read them,
My words sound like a lie.
Is sincerity so rare,
I can’t even believe myself?

#micropoetry #disbelief

Jan 30/14
I still don’t know
If I’ll find a love
That meets up to
The best.
Who can possibly
Stand
That
Test?

bit.ly/1b9q0MD

#life

Jan 30/14
Too many thoughts in my head
at once.
Each clamoring to be heard,
set free.
It’s painful to keep track.
Seriously, it hurts

#micropoetry

Jan 30/14
My life, at times
Feels overwhelming.
Though to others it would
Seem simple.
Guess it’s all about
Perspective.

Jan 30/14
When I want to say
“I love you,”
And it’s implicit that I not
Where does that leave me?

Babe, tell me
What am I supposed to do?

Jan 30/14
And, fuck.
I’ve forgotten what I was saying
And to whom.
Guess that’s my signal
To say G’night.

Though I might Tweet from bed.

Jan 30/14
To write through the night
Or catch up in the morning
Always a dilemma
‘Round midnight.
I’m sleepy.

#micropoetry

Jan 31/14
Car doors slam
Voices raise
An alarm is sounding.
Or is that my head
pounding?
Damn you 4:30 AM.
This girl needs sleep.

#micropoetry #tired.

Jan 31/14
You are my moon-
Inconstant
Changeable
Variable.
Always a present force.

#micropoetry #CrazyAboutYou

Jan 31/14
You are the penny on the tracks
That derails my train of thought.

#micropoetry

Jan 31/14
My six tin soldiers
Now no longer my best friends.
Time to take a break?

wp.me/p4eeun-30

#micropoetry #TrueStory #MyBlog

Jan 31/14
Too tired
To write
Too much more
To you
Tonight

#micropoetry #yawn


My Life, My Mess

It’s another cold and dreary day here in the Midwest.  And again, I’m sitting here wondering what the hell I’m doing with my life.

I once described my life as a thousand balls of yarn.  Unraveled, tangled, matted together.  Twenty years worth of personal issues that I feel compelled to tug at and unwind.  In frustration to throw on the floor and angrily stomp away from.  Always drawn back though, to sit and contemplate, pulling a string here here or there.

If I’m lucky, occasionally I’ll free a strand, and lay it out lovingly to admire.  Proud of my small accomplishment, I will smile and stroke it and give it a place of honor.  And then I’ll look back at the rest of the mess, and my heart can’t help but fall.  In loosing that one strand, I’ve tangled the knot tighter — and worse — I’ve left a mass of other strands exposed, taunting me.  Tempting me to pick and pull.

I’m screwed up.  My issues have issues.  You’ve heard it before from a million mouths, spilling through ten million fingers online.  Why is my mess so special?  Cuz it’s mine.  It’s mine to poke and prod.  To kick and hold.  To ignore, to abuse, to love.


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