Tag Archives: Life

Highs and Lows – #SonnetSunday

[audio https://audioboo.fm/boos/2173683-highs-and-lows.mp3]

 

So easy to get caught up in something

That resembles happiness for a time.

The exchange of emotions and true minds,

Of love unchecked, no regret ensnaring.

 

Yet never far is the abject torment

The loss and longing, the fear of being-

Rejected, dismissed, a soul left unseen,

To drown in despair long left to ferment.

 

These ever present highs and lows, although

Seen from the outside may look a mite mad.

To a tender heart are lessons best had.

For grace and sorrow both help us to grow.

 

In the depths as at the heights we keep on,

Learning where our hearts do truly belong.

 


The Writer

[audio https://audioboo.fm/boos/2131181-the-writer.mp3]

 

Twisting her hair to a knot in the back,

She settles in to type; but what today?

Poetry, yet free flowing or with tact?

Shall she write eloquent or let words play?

 

Her lip in teeth caught as her thoughts wander

Through love’s past, present, possible future.

Her mind winding, past lessons she ponders.

Suddenly, inspired, words flow through her.

 

With furied clicking, tapping and ticking,

Something unfolds from her graceless fingers.

Her eyes glaze with pleasurous precision;

Words fall in place without hesitation,

As all those tales that in her heart linger,

Flood the screen with purity, remitting.

 

Each sense, all five, bring back that history,

Of love and life, sweetness and misery.

Unrestrained, she pounds the keys rhythmically.

Again this night, she lets her soul flow free.


Not Meant

[audio https://audioboo.fm/boos/2124975-never-meant.mp3]

 

I didn’t want you

To read me

I didn’t want me

To hurt you

 

You have your side

And I have mine

You think

You were right

While I see

Both sides

 

So guilt I’ll bear

For your wrongs

And mine

For you

Will never know

What lays upon my mind

 

My heart still is hurt

For yours rejected

All that I told

That I’d held protected

Your ego

Which I’d thought

Barely existed

You brought

To forefront

And used

Against me

 

Every feeling

Every thought

You took as

An assault

That’s no way

For this to live

That’s no way

For love to give

 

Patience

Kindness

With a true heart’s

Guidance

Stepping to each other

With respect

With reverence

For someone

Who truly loves you

 

You swept that away

You had your own way

And mine was just

No good enough

I tried, babe

I tried so hard

To let you see

To understand

What I held

In my heart

Outstretched in my hand

 

But at

The end of this day

It’s only you who holds

The power

Where another

Would shower

With gratitude

I accept that I’ve earned

My solitude

From you

 

I wish, but I will not bow

For you, my love

Do not deserve me now

You and I were never

Meant for one another

And though

You

I will always love

And treasure

Your love is only

Meant for your pleasure

Your time

Your rhyme

Your pace

Not my place

To be

Anymore


Abnegation

This feeling of
Frustration
This self-smothering need
For abnegation
My thoughts
Feelings
Words
Not good enough
To be heard
Biting back
The bitterness
I should never
Have shed
Bare before your eyes
Torn within
My head
Regret
Contempt
You left me
For dead
Never a look back
Never a passing thought
My fear your wrought
Into new dimensions
Contemplations
Of complications
Never given
Consideration
Never given much
The time
The verse
The hearse
You arranged
To carry me on
While you wept
Shallow tears
On the grave
Of us
Memories
Mean to to fade
Echo on
Penetrating us
Till it’s only their voice
We crave
Anymore
They’ve devoured
Us whole

Written and recorded in a fit of emotion. Sorry if it doesn’t make much sense. I couldn’t finish this one…


Damocles

The sorrow I feel
The shame I hide
The inadequacies
I drown in inside
My tendency
To shy away
How I struggle
To take breath
Somedays
How my heart
Races in fear
From its own self
And the shadows
That lear
When my body
Trembles and aches
From tension
Of holding myself
In apprehension
The danger that looms
A Damocles sword
Ever present
Waiting to demolish
Rationality
Leaving me with
Barest sanity
When days spent
In need of night
Of a quiet to bury
My anguish in
No one to look upon me
When misery
Will not relent
Just the stars
The cloud wrapped moon
The memories
And the soft tears
That flow down my chin
Alone again
Broken heart
Shattered mind
No will to go on
No choice to let go
Left to blindly
Fall apart
And overflow


The Heart’s War

A poem in the McCarron Couplet style – “AABBABCCDDCDEEFFEF”

***

In the darkest depths of her heart she hides
Shades of herself that do not coincide
There lies the lover of destruction, fire
‘Longside the purity of love’s desire
A soul torn in two, dark and light inside
Neither can be all, lest all be liar

The war wages inside her creamy skin
Petal soft outside, but thorny within
Which will gain ground today, true love’s delight
Or despair of lonesome, darkest bleak night
As before and always, they rage again
Pit against each other, none wins this fight

An eloquence of compliance is found
When both sides can be equally unbound
The fire and the lover each always freed
So before you step in, this warning heed
This woman’s heart is not such stable ground
To love her truly, both sides you must feed

***


In The Now – a Sonnet

The future enshrouded in shadow; unknown
The past beckons, singing its lost love songs
Lessons past, never right nor ever wrong
Lessons in our path may yet help us grow

Winds of chance and fate by which we are blown
To the past mistakes, to whom we belong
To our further estates for which we long
Souls cry for either side; Our love unsewn

In regards to future or past, alas
What is meant to be is still yet unseen
Whether we’ve learned, or still have much to do
Comes to each of us, comes to me and you
In each such moment, both exist in dreams
Our pieces, our memories come to pass

Thanks to Jack @for_my_Juliet for inspiring me to do a #SonnetSunday
Hope it’s up to snuff. ^__^

Written in the Petrarchan sonnet styling.


Pain Fall

When pain has gone on
Far too long
And takes on a life
Of its own

When there is no use
In fighting back
When there’s nothing
To attack
But the very person
You’ve become

When loss and grief
Abuse and mistrust
Have battered their way
Deep into your soul
When all you can do
Is barely control

When life keeps going
When you need
To keep giving
Your reason for living
Just to keep breathing

When every breath
Reminds you of death
When every choice
Brings back the voice
Of a ghost
Of yourself

When it’s so far
From right
All you have left
Is this life that you
Don’t recognize

When the storm calls
And you feel that need
To destroy all
Let me be the one
To take that fall

For you
With you
Always


74 Years

He would have been 74 today. Just happened to see the date. Jeez, how could I have forgotten? On May 10th, I will have been without him for 21 years. 21 years… Whatever pains and losses I have experienced in my life, that was the worst. And for those years I had him, I had a love that none other has come close to. My best friend, my partner in crime. My happiest happiness.

I wish I remembered him better. I’ve written about him before. Those little glimpses of memories that remain. The nights I spent waiting up for him. The early mornings when we’d go out for donuts. How he wore that sheepskin coat mom hated. His boots, his beat up hats. His penchant for corduroy. How easily he laughed. His jokes..

Dad - Halloween

That would have been taken a couple years before I was born. Back when my parents lived down the street from my grandparents – my mom’s parents. Sexy, wasn’t he? The long black socks beneath the boots really set it off for me. Yeah, my mom looked pretty stellar too. God, they were so happy.

Anyone who’s ever been really close to me, or who has had the misfortune of reading some of my earlier blog posts knows the story of my dad. How his parents were cold and cruel people. How happy he was to become a part of my mom’s family. They loved him. My younger aunts were a little in love with him when he and my mom first got together. It was impossible not to love him. He was sweet, funny, kind. He was a big kid. My best friend.

TVDZoo

My brother, me and my dad at the zoo. Guessing I was about 6 or 7? God, we had so many good times. I almost rode an elephant there once. My brother did, but I was too scared. We’d have lunch by the sea lion exhibit. Hot dogs and Pepsis all around. My dad would play jokes on us. I can’t recall them now, but I remember us screaming and running around the concession stands like mad. And my mom trying to corral us all into behaving. “Behave!” Mom would call. “What’s a ‘have’?” Dad would ask. Always got a laugh. At least from me.

I was so like him. Again, childish. Something I haven’t gotten to be a lot lately. I miss it. That light-heartedness he always had that I so readily inherited. Seems to have gotten sucked out of me in recent years.

I miss him. Every day. His loss so permanently altered me. And the memories I have now are so few. The last clear one I have, before all the hospital memories are of he and I riding in the car. It was just the two of us – it so often was – and I was upset with him. I must have been 11. I’d done something and gotten myself grounded, a punishment no doubt laid down by my mother. And being dad he had to enforce it. So I was in the passenger seat sulking. It may have been one of his “Whatsamatta U” jokes that did it. But I remember trying to fight back a smile. Sneaking a look at his crooked grin. And busting out laughing. That was one of the great things about him. You could never stay mad at him.

Anyway, yeah. Today he would have been 74. Happy Birthday Dad. Miss you like crazy.


Just Another Shallow Cut

The shallow cuts
She gives herself
That mar and scar her heart
The whimperings
Through gritted teeth
The curses she exclaims

She carries the guilt
Of each
Of her scars
The guilt itself
Is a scar
One that always
Rips apart
Leaving her bleeding
Again

The smallest words
No longer bring comfort
All they do is echo
In the gaping spaces
of rents torn and
left hollow

Frail and unfound
No wings to fly
How she longed to run
To put the setting sun
Behind her and
Take off into the night
Never to be found

Her feet cemented
Keeping her bound
Chained to this rage
of doubt
This fear she holds dear
The only thing
She’s never without
Constant companion
Too familiar friend

Her bleeding and busted
heart still trusted
Just enough
To be stolen
Now lies rejected
Its small needs
Found to be
Too great

Never knowing
When to stay down
She cries on her feet
With expectations
To meet
A robot fueled
By anguish
A crooked smile
No one notices

Too tender to live
Too stony to die
Too used to lies
And needful cries
She’ll carry on
Till she dies


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