So I’ve been going through some shit lately and it has had a massive effect on my writing. Inasmuch that I can’t seem to do much of that. I’ve got a lot of negativity built up, and feel like I have no resource to get it out. Yeah, you’d think writing would be the perfect resource, right? Maybe I just don’t want to hurt anyone with what I have to say. Maybe I’m sick of writing about hurt and not being good enough and crap like that.
I recently went through a “breakup” of sorts. No, he wasn’t really mine, but I thought we meant something to each other. He sure as hell meant something to me. And while I won’t guess at his true feelings, his reasons led him to actions that left me feeling like I was of such little consequence that I may as well not even exist. To compound the issue, we followed each other on Twitter, so I can look forward to the constant reminders that, yeah, I truly did not mean much. Twitter is … Twitter is great, but in this situation, it has been nothing but a hindrance to true intimacy. You can read too much, or not enough, into certain comments. And I am not in a place to make guesses. Anyway, yes, I am emotionally wrecked and reeling right now.
In life, my house has sprung a leak. Those who do follow me on Twitter might have noticed an increase in tweets about rain this past week or so. It has been a lovely Spring, with calming rains. Not so calming when that rain is pouring down the walls of your home, however. Definitely not so calming when the owner of the house you are renting is doing nothing whatsoever about it. And when the forecast is calling for days of the stuff. I am feeling utterly defeated about that. It’s time, perhaps, to look for a different place, but that comes with its own set of complications and frustrations…
At least the water is finally running clear! For about two days we were dealing with brown water running through all the taps. Took them that long to realize they were flushing the wrong pipes. Honestly, I’m still a bit skeptical about drinking it, but then, I’ve always been a tad paranoid. And I have trust issues.
Also had a bit of a falling-out with one of my only good friends this week. We are both emotional people, and with the places where we both are, can tend to react to each other in not the best ways. It’s definitely led to a bit of a drift from where we once were. I don’t think that distance will soon be closed. And maybe it shouldn’t be.
He did help me realize some things about myself and how I see people that I hope will help me in the future. I’ve spent so much time either on my own, not talking with anyone, or in close relationships where that sad fool was the only one I opened up to. That places a lot on one person’s shoulders. But I am just not good with casual friendships and relationships. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but people do tend to get attached to me quite quickly. And on those occasions I get attached, well, nothing good comes from either situation. So I’m extremely guarded. I need to find a balance, however. Otherwise I’m going to keep breaking myself and those that I care for over and over.
To end this journal session on a happy note – I am expecting my new Chromebook today. Ponied up $150 for a factory refurbished model. Fingers crossed, I will not be cussing it out daily for stalling or crashing like I do with this baby. I actually considered posting an Indigogo campaign to raise money to buy a shiny new Samsung laptop – they are so pretty – but came to the conclusion that that would be beyond selfish of me. Perhaps later this year, if life stops kicking my ass all over the place, I can settle down with a new mean machine. Sorry, L, it will be a PC. 😉
Love you guys, thanks for reading. Maybe now that I’ve gotten some of that out, I can get back to writing pretty things. ❤