Tag Archives: Life

Highs and Lows – #SonnetSunday

[audio https://audioboo.fm/boos/2173683-highs-and-lows.mp3]

 

So easy to get caught up in something

That resembles happiness for a time.

The exchange of emotions and true minds,

Of love unchecked, no regret ensnaring.

 

Yet never far is the abject torment

The loss and longing, the fear of being-

Rejected, dismissed, a soul left unseen,

To drown in despair long left to ferment.

 

These ever present highs and lows, although

Seen from the outside may look a mite mad.

To a tender heart are lessons best had.

For grace and sorrow both help us to grow.

 

In the depths as at the heights we keep on,

Learning where our hearts do truly belong.

 

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The Writer

[audio https://audioboo.fm/boos/2131181-the-writer.mp3]

 

Twisting her hair to a knot in the back,

She settles in to type; but what today?

Poetry, yet free flowing or with tact?

Shall she write eloquent or let words play?

 

Her lip in teeth caught as her thoughts wander

Through love’s past, present, possible future.

Her mind winding, past lessons she ponders.

Suddenly, inspired, words flow through her.

 

With furied clicking, tapping and ticking,

Something unfolds from her graceless fingers.

Her eyes glaze with pleasurous precision;

Words fall in place without hesitation,

As all those tales that in her heart linger,

Flood the screen with purity, remitting.

 

Each sense, all five, bring back that history,

Of love and life, sweetness and misery.

Unrestrained, she pounds the keys rhythmically.

Again this night, she lets her soul flow free.


Not Meant

[audio https://audioboo.fm/boos/2124975-never-meant.mp3]

 

I didn’t want you

To read me

I didn’t want me

To hurt you

 

You have your side

And I have mine

You think

You were right

While I see

Both sides

 

So guilt I’ll bear

For your wrongs

And mine

For you

Will never know

What lays upon my mind

 

My heart still is hurt

For yours rejected

All that I told

That I’d held protected

Your ego

Which I’d thought

Barely existed

You brought

To forefront

And used

Against me

 

Every feeling

Every thought

You took as

An assault

That’s no way

For this to live

That’s no way

For love to give

 

Patience

Kindness

With a true heart’s

Guidance

Stepping to each other

With respect

With reverence

For someone

Who truly loves you

 

You swept that away

You had your own way

And mine was just

No good enough

I tried, babe

I tried so hard

To let you see

To understand

What I held

In my heart

Outstretched in my hand

 

But at

The end of this day

It’s only you who holds

The power

Where another

Would shower

With gratitude

I accept that I’ve earned

My solitude

From you

 

I wish, but I will not bow

For you, my love

Do not deserve me now

You and I were never

Meant for one another

And though

You

I will always love

And treasure

Your love is only

Meant for your pleasure

Your time

Your rhyme

Your pace

Not my place

To be

Anymore


Lately – Journal

So I’ve been going through some shit lately and it has had a massive effect on my writing. Inasmuch that I can’t seem to do much of that. I’ve got a lot of negativity built up, and feel like I have no resource to get it out. Yeah, you’d think writing would be the perfect resource, right? Maybe I just don’t want to hurt anyone with what I have to say. Maybe I’m sick of writing about hurt and not being good enough and crap like that.

 

*sigh*

 

I recently went through a “breakup” of sorts. No, he wasn’t really mine, but I thought we meant something to each other. He sure as hell meant something to me. And while I won’t guess at his true feelings, his reasons led him to actions that left me feeling like I was of such little consequence that I may as well not even exist. To compound the issue, we followed each other on Twitter, so I can look forward to the constant reminders that, yeah, I truly did not mean much. Twitter is … Twitter is great, but in this situation, it has been nothing but a hindrance to true intimacy. You can read too much, or not enough, into certain comments. And I am not in a place to make guesses.  Anyway, yes, I am emotionally wrecked and reeling right now.

 

In life, my house has sprung a leak. Those who do follow me on Twitter might have noticed an increase in tweets about rain this past week or so. It has been a lovely Spring, with calming rains. Not so calming when that rain is pouring down the walls of your home, however. Definitely not so calming when the owner of the house you are renting is doing nothing whatsoever about it. And when the forecast is calling for days of the stuff. I am feeling utterly defeated about that. It’s time, perhaps, to look for a different place, but that comes with its own set of complications and frustrations…

 

At least the water is finally running clear! For about two days we were dealing with brown water running through all the taps. Took them that long to realize they were flushing the wrong pipes. Honestly, I’m still a bit skeptical about drinking it, but then, I’ve always been a tad paranoid. And I have trust issues.

 

Also had a bit of a falling-out with one of my only good friends this week. We are both emotional people, and with the places where we both are, can tend to react to each other in not the best ways. It’s definitely led to a bit of a drift from where we once were. I don’t think that distance will soon be closed. And maybe it shouldn’t be.

 

He did help me realize some things about myself and how I see people that I hope will help me in the future. I’ve spent so much time either on my own, not talking with anyone, or in close relationships where that sad fool was the only one I opened up to. That places a lot on one person’s shoulders. But I am just not good with casual friendships and relationships. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but people do tend to get attached to me quite quickly. And on those occasions I get attached, well, nothing good comes from either situation. So I’m extremely guarded. I need to find a balance, however. Otherwise I’m going to keep breaking myself and those that I care for over and over.

 

To end this journal session on a happy note – I am expecting my new Chromebook today. Ponied up $150 for a factory refurbished model. Fingers crossed, I will not be cussing it out daily for stalling or crashing like I do with this baby. I actually considered posting an Indigogo campaign to raise money to buy a shiny new Samsung laptop – they are so pretty – but came to the conclusion that that would be beyond selfish of me. Perhaps later this year, if life stops kicking my ass all over the place, I can settle down with a new mean machine. Sorry, L, it will be a PC. 😉

 

Love you guys, thanks for reading. Maybe now that I’ve gotten some of that out, I can get back to writing pretty things. ❤


Abnegation

This feeling of
Frustration
This self-smothering need
For abnegation
My thoughts
Feelings
Words
Not good enough
To be heard
Biting back
The bitterness
I should never
Have shed
Bare before your eyes
Torn within
My head
Regret
Contempt
You left me
For dead
Never a look back
Never a passing thought
My fear your wrought
Into new dimensions
Contemplations
Of complications
Never given
Consideration
Never given much
The time
The verse
The hearse
You arranged
To carry me on
While you wept
Shallow tears
On the grave
Of us
Memories
Mean to to fade
Echo on
Penetrating us
Till it’s only their voice
We crave
Anymore
They’ve devoured
Us whole

Written and recorded in a fit of emotion. Sorry if it doesn’t make much sense. I couldn’t finish this one…


Damocles

The sorrow I feel
The shame I hide
The inadequacies
I drown in inside
My tendency
To shy away
How I struggle
To take breath
Somedays
How my heart
Races in fear
From its own self
And the shadows
That lear
When my body
Trembles and aches
From tension
Of holding myself
In apprehension
The danger that looms
A Damocles sword
Ever present
Waiting to demolish
Rationality
Leaving me with
Barest sanity
When days spent
In need of night
Of a quiet to bury
My anguish in
No one to look upon me
When misery
Will not relent
Just the stars
The cloud wrapped moon
The memories
And the soft tears
That flow down my chin
Alone again
Broken heart
Shattered mind
No will to go on
No choice to let go
Left to blindly
Fall apart
And overflow


The Heart’s War

A poem in the McCarron Couplet style – “AABBABCCDDCDEEFFEF”

***

In the darkest depths of her heart she hides
Shades of herself that do not coincide
There lies the lover of destruction, fire
‘Longside the purity of love’s desire
A soul torn in two, dark and light inside
Neither can be all, lest all be liar

The war wages inside her creamy skin
Petal soft outside, but thorny within
Which will gain ground today, true love’s delight
Or despair of lonesome, darkest bleak night
As before and always, they rage again
Pit against each other, none wins this fight

An eloquence of compliance is found
When both sides can be equally unbound
The fire and the lover each always freed
So before you step in, this warning heed
This woman’s heart is not such stable ground
To love her truly, both sides you must feed

***


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