Tag Archives: Heartache

Color Me #SpeakPoetry

[audio https://audioboo.fm/boos/2329345-color-me.mp3]

 

I gave you

A silhouette

A shadow of

A drawing of

The heart

That beats

Within me

To fill

Freely

To rend me

As you see me

And you

You

You color

Me deadly

In blacks

And greys

With no shade

Entirely

Abject

Of light

You paint me

As you see me

But you paint

Yourself

As well

For all I gave

Was a silhouette

An abstract

Portrait

For you

To fill

As you

And only you

Will

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Little Boat – #TercetThursday

[audio https://audioboo.fm/boos/2164866-little-boat.mp3]

 

Little boat caught in a whitecap of sea,

Swept from safety of harbor, hearth and home,

Cast out to the tempest, to drown in foam.

 

Violent the tides that crash down on thee.

Harsh the winds that so cruely tear your sails.

Little boat, no peace for you; storms prevail.

 

Each moment spent lost an eternity —

Each crest and crush and influx, a deluge,

Which tosses you further from sound refuge.

 

Bitter the waves that cast thou far from me,

As on my lonely shore I stand vigil.

My nightly observance, my ritual.

 

For you, little boat, crucial cargo bear:

My heart, my soul, my every prayer.

Return him to me, to my loving care…


Her Restraint

She sank her teeth
Into his truth
And bled all his lies away

She licked and suckled
Their brains both muddled
Her seeking
Him giving
All that he was

She bared herself
To his teeth too
But too tentative
Was his touch
Her soul remained
Too tough

As much as she strained
To give what remained
Of her heart, her soul
Her very being
She stayed locked up
Incapable of feeling
To her deepest depths

Though her love for him
Coursed
Through every vein and vessel
She could not let go
Of what she’d come to know
Remorse
At every bend and trestle

Both remained at a standstill
Both always loving
Though her heart was locked
Unable
To let her love out
Never free from her doubt

Never having
Never fully loving
Always unaware
Of all she had to share

She keeps her love, desperate
For someone to feel
A heart that will heal
And allow her, finally, respite


My Fucking Words

In all honesty, my heart is kinda broken tonight. I can’t even write. I want to tear up every word that spills from my fingers. Oh hell, I even hate my words tonight. I want to shred them, make THEM bleed for ME. Crush them, stomp them, punch them, kill every last fucking one. I want to slit the throats of my words tonight. Because they all betray me and leave me so bare, all my hurt showing. And I just want to bury that inside.

But my goddamn words won’t let me, angry little shits that they are. All they want to do is tell on me. That I’m in pain, that I’m angry. That I’m bitter and worthless and stupid and just fucking unlovable. That I hate and crave. That I want to die and live and fly and fall and lay beside you and just be… That my heart is jealous of what I’ll never have. Fuck, I’d cut off my fingers if that would make them stop!

I shouldn’t post this. I know I sound crazy. Well, fuck it. I am.

I know I’ll recover. A little more wary, a little more weary. And probably with all fingers intact. Maybe. But tonight, yes, I do want to scream, and sob, and dig my nails into anything and everything. I want to punch and stab and … Who am I kidding… I’ll get drunk and play video games, crying, till I fall asleep. That seems to be my fallback position.

I’ll try to drown out my words tonight. Tonight, they hate me, and I hate them back.


Desolation And Ruin

Plaster dust
shades of rust
timbers fallen down.
This is what I offer you.
No wonder that you frown.

I can’t give you gold or silver.
I truly own nothing of worth.
Even my love is broken.
Crumbled into the earth.

I’d offer you a desolate land
Where new life rarely springs forth
I’d offer you, whatever I have
But it won’t be enough, of course.

So away I go
Withdrawing hope
Welcoming the ache
I won’t ask
You to pay
For this painful mistake.

I won’t ask anything
For I have nothing to give.


Walk Away Broken Girl

Please hear
What I want to say, and fear
Please see
What I hide inside of me
Please touch
What hurts me so damn much
Please taste
What is running down my face
Please smell
What I do –
Fire, Brimstone, Hell.

I wish I could take you
Deep inside my mind
Point out all the cracks and flaws
The scars I cannot leave behind

I can’t say that I’m sorry
I’m sorry, but I can’t
I must think of myself now
My own freedom I grant

I wish you could have known me
I so wanted to know you
But I know I’m too broken
You can’t bear that too.

So I’ll pack the pieces I’ve let break
It’s a lonely road I must take
For love right now just can’t be.
I’m too much for you, you’re too much for me.


This Love Bullshit

I haven’t been making good choices where my heart is concerned. Sure, love and sex make for great poetry. The more complicated the relationship, the feelings, the better it sounds in rhyme. And when the pain hits, as it always will, there is nothing sweeter than writing it out. Oh, how we love to read that, amirite? But maybe I should stick with old memories of hurts, instead of making new ones.

Of course I can’t go into details about anything, because … well, I just can’t. But suffice to say I’m sick of the back and forth. I’m not blaming anyone but myself for the emotions I’m feeling. I know I am far too sensitive. I call myself weak constantly. Because of my anxiety issues, chiefly, but also when it comes to love. I love love. I love loving someone, giving to them what I have, what I can. And so I invest myself too quickly and too deeply, even when my head is screaming at me to stop. How often are any of us capable of listening to our heads when our hearts have already made up their mind?

This is one of the reasons I withdrew myself years ago. I couldn’t take the pain I inflicted upon myself with loving others. I don’t want to do that again, withdraw. But I have to be smarter. Cuz I am killing myself with this bullshit.


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