Category Archives: Journal

Do you know?

Do you know what it’s like to despise your own existence, to loathe it, to feel your mind, your soul, dripping with the ichor of self-hatred? To be completely covered and filthied by it?

But yet to live a daily life of smiles and laughter, to love it and revel in it, to wear that false face for so long that it almost feels real? Almost. Except when the lights dim, and you find yourself alone, smothered by self-realization… Realizing what a worthless and awful person you are. What a drain you are on those around you, those you love, those you SHOULD do better by. Should. Should Should.

It’s self-entrapment. Should. When you know you should, when you should be able, when you should do better… And just fucking can’t. When you’re so tied up, tied down, throttled by your own failings and inadequacies. By your mind’s very fucked-up-ness… ‘Should’ becomes the deadliest of words.  It carries so much weight, so much guilt.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have family.  My mother, my nieces and nephew.  Without them, I … It’d be so much easier, y’know? For them I wear the smiles. For them I can almost believe. Most of the time, I can forget myself, for them. I can forget…

Almost.

 

Y’know?

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Color Me #SpeakPoetry

[audio https://audioboo.fm/boos/2329345-color-me.mp3]

 

I gave you

A silhouette

A shadow of

A drawing of

The heart

That beats

Within me

To fill

Freely

To rend me

As you see me

And you

You

You color

Me deadly

In blacks

And greys

With no shade

Entirely

Abject

Of light

You paint me

As you see me

But you paint

Yourself

As well

For all I gave

Was a silhouette

An abstract

Portrait

For you

To fill

As you

And only you

Will


Journal…

I don’t have much to say tonight. Maybe I will later. Words keep popping up, so, who knows. I’ve locked up Twitter and WP. There are those who I don’t want to read my words anymore. Yes, it’s about a breakup. A breaking. And needing to regain a safe place. I don’t want someone looking over my shoulder, interpreting what they will. I don’t want or need the pressure of keeping my words at bay. I just want to be fucking free to say whatever comes to mind. And right now, it is a chaotic mind. And a hurt fucking heart. And I need to start treating myself better. Not letting whomever tread upon me. Words are just words sometimes. Just fucking hollow. And I’ll not give mine to one who’s affections are so goddamn shallow. Not when mine mean so much.

So yeah. I’m trying to let myself free. By, ironically, binding myself. And letting him be all that he wants to be without me.  Cuz it’s fine really. I love and hate him. But more love than anything. I just don’t want him to see me, and I definitely don’t want to see him. Maybe ever again. Right now, I don’t know. Right now it’s too painful and I just want to be and write. Without his dark light looming over me.

Cuz it really fucking hurts, to see him there. Everywhere. And to have him here, still a part of my heart. And so very far. Where he chose to be. Not with me.


Lately – Journal

So I’ve been going through some shit lately and it has had a massive effect on my writing. Inasmuch that I can’t seem to do much of that. I’ve got a lot of negativity built up, and feel like I have no resource to get it out. Yeah, you’d think writing would be the perfect resource, right? Maybe I just don’t want to hurt anyone with what I have to say. Maybe I’m sick of writing about hurt and not being good enough and crap like that.

 

*sigh*

 

I recently went through a “breakup” of sorts. No, he wasn’t really mine, but I thought we meant something to each other. He sure as hell meant something to me. And while I won’t guess at his true feelings, his reasons led him to actions that left me feeling like I was of such little consequence that I may as well not even exist. To compound the issue, we followed each other on Twitter, so I can look forward to the constant reminders that, yeah, I truly did not mean much. Twitter is … Twitter is great, but in this situation, it has been nothing but a hindrance to true intimacy. You can read too much, or not enough, into certain comments. And I am not in a place to make guesses.  Anyway, yes, I am emotionally wrecked and reeling right now.

 

In life, my house has sprung a leak. Those who do follow me on Twitter might have noticed an increase in tweets about rain this past week or so. It has been a lovely Spring, with calming rains. Not so calming when that rain is pouring down the walls of your home, however. Definitely not so calming when the owner of the house you are renting is doing nothing whatsoever about it. And when the forecast is calling for days of the stuff. I am feeling utterly defeated about that. It’s time, perhaps, to look for a different place, but that comes with its own set of complications and frustrations…

 

At least the water is finally running clear! For about two days we were dealing with brown water running through all the taps. Took them that long to realize they were flushing the wrong pipes. Honestly, I’m still a bit skeptical about drinking it, but then, I’ve always been a tad paranoid. And I have trust issues.

 

Also had a bit of a falling-out with one of my only good friends this week. We are both emotional people, and with the places where we both are, can tend to react to each other in not the best ways. It’s definitely led to a bit of a drift from where we once were. I don’t think that distance will soon be closed. And maybe it shouldn’t be.

 

He did help me realize some things about myself and how I see people that I hope will help me in the future. I’ve spent so much time either on my own, not talking with anyone, or in close relationships where that sad fool was the only one I opened up to. That places a lot on one person’s shoulders. But I am just not good with casual friendships and relationships. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but people do tend to get attached to me quite quickly. And on those occasions I get attached, well, nothing good comes from either situation. So I’m extremely guarded. I need to find a balance, however. Otherwise I’m going to keep breaking myself and those that I care for over and over.

 

To end this journal session on a happy note – I am expecting my new Chromebook today. Ponied up $150 for a factory refurbished model. Fingers crossed, I will not be cussing it out daily for stalling or crashing like I do with this baby. I actually considered posting an Indigogo campaign to raise money to buy a shiny new Samsung laptop – they are so pretty – but came to the conclusion that that would be beyond selfish of me. Perhaps later this year, if life stops kicking my ass all over the place, I can settle down with a new mean machine. Sorry, L, it will be a PC. 😉

 

Love you guys, thanks for reading. Maybe now that I’ve gotten some of that out, I can get back to writing pretty things. ❤


74 Years

He would have been 74 today. Just happened to see the date. Jeez, how could I have forgotten? On May 10th, I will have been without him for 21 years. 21 years… Whatever pains and losses I have experienced in my life, that was the worst. And for those years I had him, I had a love that none other has come close to. My best friend, my partner in crime. My happiest happiness.

I wish I remembered him better. I’ve written about him before. Those little glimpses of memories that remain. The nights I spent waiting up for him. The early mornings when we’d go out for donuts. How he wore that sheepskin coat mom hated. His boots, his beat up hats. His penchant for corduroy. How easily he laughed. His jokes..

Dad - Halloween

That would have been taken a couple years before I was born. Back when my parents lived down the street from my grandparents – my mom’s parents. Sexy, wasn’t he? The long black socks beneath the boots really set it off for me. Yeah, my mom looked pretty stellar too. God, they were so happy.

Anyone who’s ever been really close to me, or who has had the misfortune of reading some of my earlier blog posts knows the story of my dad. How his parents were cold and cruel people. How happy he was to become a part of my mom’s family. They loved him. My younger aunts were a little in love with him when he and my mom first got together. It was impossible not to love him. He was sweet, funny, kind. He was a big kid. My best friend.

TVDZoo

My brother, me and my dad at the zoo. Guessing I was about 6 or 7? God, we had so many good times. I almost rode an elephant there once. My brother did, but I was too scared. We’d have lunch by the sea lion exhibit. Hot dogs and Pepsis all around. My dad would play jokes on us. I can’t recall them now, but I remember us screaming and running around the concession stands like mad. And my mom trying to corral us all into behaving. “Behave!” Mom would call. “What’s a ‘have’?” Dad would ask. Always got a laugh. At least from me.

I was so like him. Again, childish. Something I haven’t gotten to be a lot lately. I miss it. That light-heartedness he always had that I so readily inherited. Seems to have gotten sucked out of me in recent years.

I miss him. Every day. His loss so permanently altered me. And the memories I have now are so few. The last clear one I have, before all the hospital memories are of he and I riding in the car. It was just the two of us – it so often was – and I was upset with him. I must have been 11. I’d done something and gotten myself grounded, a punishment no doubt laid down by my mother. And being dad he had to enforce it. So I was in the passenger seat sulking. It may have been one of his “Whatsamatta U” jokes that did it. But I remember trying to fight back a smile. Sneaking a look at his crooked grin. And busting out laughing. That was one of the great things about him. You could never stay mad at him.

Anyway, yeah. Today he would have been 74. Happy Birthday Dad. Miss you like crazy.


Journal

I’m so full up of words and emotions today. And I’m running out of time to write. Nother half hour or so is all the quiet I’ll get till tonight. But I just keep writing and deleting, writing and deleting. My mind is too chaotic, my heart too hurt. Granted, those things are pretty much constant, but today, today…

I hurt people by not being enough. By being scared, by wanting. By hurting. Heh, makes me long for the days when I didn’t talk to anyone. When I just bottled everything up and never said a word. I think loneliness is preferable to this. My silence never hurt anyone. My fears never hurt anyone. My wanting too much… God, I’d rather just hurt myself. I can’t take the thought of letting anyone else down, I just really can’t.

But godfuckingdamnit.. Just asking for a little consideration, is that too much? Just to have my feelings be heard, taken into account? It’s so new to me still to even express them, but then to … sigh, whatever. What I want never really matters. I do what I can to make those I love happy, knowing I’m going to hurt them, disappoint them eventually. So why should I ask for anything? I’ll just feel guilty about it in the long run.

I am in a state of chaos. I hurt for hurting. And I’ve no one to blame but myself. I honestly don’t know why I keep trying. For every high there is a painful fall. For every love there is a loss. Today, I’m sick of it all. I just want to shut down. I really want to cry. But it’s nearly time for the smile to be plastered on. Not a good time for red noses and puffy, streaming eyes. So I’ll just shut off. Sometimes, that’s too easy to do. At least for a little while.

I still feel like no one knows me. Think I should throw that out there. No matter how well you think you do, you don’t know me well enough yet. And maybe you should back away before you do. #justsayin


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