Do you know?

Do you know what it’s like to despise your own existence, to loathe it, to feel your mind, your soul, dripping with the ichor of self-hatred? To be completely covered and filthied by it?

But yet to live a daily life of smiles and laughter, to love it and revel in it, to wear that false face for so long that it almost feels real? Almost. Except when the lights dim, and you find yourself alone, smothered by self-realization… Realizing what a worthless and awful person you are. What a drain you are on those around you, those you love, those you SHOULD do better by. Should. Should Should.

It’s self-entrapment. Should. When you know you should, when you should be able, when you should do better… And just fucking can’t. When you’re so tied up, tied down, throttled by your own failings and inadequacies. By your mind’s very fucked-up-ness… ‘Should’ becomes the deadliest of words.  It carries so much weight, so much guilt.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have family.  My mother, my nieces and nephew.  Without them, I … It’d be so much easier, y’know? For them I wear the smiles. For them I can almost believe. Most of the time, I can forget myself, for them. I can forget…

Almost.

 

Y’know?

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