Monthly Archives: April 2014

Iron And Steel

Your words like iron

Like rusty steel

Blades damaged

And damage

Their appeal

They cut, they chop

Through my walls

To my heart

Wielded by hands

Who should

I thought

Know better

Hands that knew

How to be tender

But instead

Chose to render

My heart from my chest

When I tried

To give my best

I was met

With iron

And steel

No repeal

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Hiding Place

http://mcfcwolf.wordpress.com/
One of the best, most honest, most crafted and chaotic blogs I have found. Sometimes this man scares me. But almost always in a good way. This post is one of my favorites so far.


Not Fit

Someone somewhere

Something had the key

Somehow

They unleashed me

Upon myself

Pacing caged

My mind enraged

Heart racing

Thoughts chasing

Panic erasing

What little remained

The physical

Agonizing

Realization

I’ve been caught

By my own claws

 

Something’s rotting

Away inside me

My own divinity

Is cock blocking me

I’m spent

I relent

I can no longer stay

I’m pent up

I’ve been here

Far too long already

 

The words I sought

The cure to my own

But what was wrought

But more senseless pain

Nothing ventured

Let’s lay blame

On each others shoulders

Laurels to the winner

And loser both

Wreaths of thorns

That snare and shed

Red blood of their own

 

This chaos

This pandemonium

Heart racing

Thoughts chasing

Soul crushing

Just leave me alone

I am not fit

For human consumption

I lack the wit

The drive

I’m too hurt inside

Don’t hold me unless

You intend to crush me

To destroy everything

That’s come before

 

Lining up words in my head

Standing with a shotgun

Filled with dread

Taking aim at every word

That I have ever spoken

Wishing I could

Blow each away

Wishing to take back

Every god damned word

Lay them in a grave

Forsaken

 

Heart racing

Thoughts chasing

I’ve been here

Far too long already

Don’t touch me

Your tenderness

Hurts too much

Just leave me here

To slowly bleed

Get thee

Behind me

Again


Do You Know?

Where does it go

Do you know

Do you

Go with the flow

Our hands

A promise

Never held

Never meant

Where did we go

As the Spring

Drew nearer

The shimmer

of warmth

Passing through

The aether

That was us

From whence we came

To whence

We go

Do you know

Do you know

Where it went

Where we go

From here

 


Always

[audio https://audioboo.fm/boos/2103402-always.mp3]

 

My heart I tore for you

As before I never did

Though you might think

My actions few

You’ll never know

What I did for you

 

Your heart

Your soul

Your mind

Called out to mine

I answered

Enthralled

That you might

Take me all

 

Your heart

Ever closed to me

Your actions

Surprisingly

Led my heart

To believe

I was nothing

But nothing

To you

 

I backed away

In the hopes

That you

Might follow

That my fellow

Combatant

Would seek

Me out

Might sway

 

Yet

You left me

In silence

Your interest

Had waned

Inconstant was

Your devotion

And I was left

In remiss

In penitence

 

Away I walk

Dejectedly

You found

No worth

In me

Though you

Will live

In my heart

A constant reminder

Of all I’d sought

I must

Leave you

Behind

 

You

I loved

And always will

Your secret soul

I’ll treasure

Forever

And perhaps

Someday

You’ll seek me out

Though I may have left

You will never be far

I will always

Always

Always

Hold you in my heart


The Tavern – Willa Cather

[audio https://audioboo.fm/boos/2103360-the-tavern-willa-cather.mp3]

 

The Tavern

 

In the tavern of my heart

Many a one has sat before,

Drunk red wine and sung a stave,

And, departing, come no more.

When the night was cold without,

And the ravens croaked of storm,

They have sat them at my hearth,

Telling me my house was warm.

 

As the lute and cup went round,

They have rhymed me well in lay;–

When the hunt was on at morn,

Each, departing, went his way.

On the walls, in compliment,

Some would scrawl a verse or two,

Some have hung a willow branch,

Or a wreath of corn-flowers blue.

 

Ah! my friend, when thou dost go,

Leave no wreath of flowers for me;

Not pale daffodils nor rue,

Violets nor rosemary.

Spill the wine upon the lamps,

Tread the fire, and bar the door;

So despoil the wretched place,

None will come forevermore.


Lately – Journal

So I’ve been going through some shit lately and it has had a massive effect on my writing. Inasmuch that I can’t seem to do much of that. I’ve got a lot of negativity built up, and feel like I have no resource to get it out. Yeah, you’d think writing would be the perfect resource, right? Maybe I just don’t want to hurt anyone with what I have to say. Maybe I’m sick of writing about hurt and not being good enough and crap like that.

 

*sigh*

 

I recently went through a “breakup” of sorts. No, he wasn’t really mine, but I thought we meant something to each other. He sure as hell meant something to me. And while I won’t guess at his true feelings, his reasons led him to actions that left me feeling like I was of such little consequence that I may as well not even exist. To compound the issue, we followed each other on Twitter, so I can look forward to the constant reminders that, yeah, I truly did not mean much. Twitter is … Twitter is great, but in this situation, it has been nothing but a hindrance to true intimacy. You can read too much, or not enough, into certain comments. And I am not in a place to make guesses.  Anyway, yes, I am emotionally wrecked and reeling right now.

 

In life, my house has sprung a leak. Those who do follow me on Twitter might have noticed an increase in tweets about rain this past week or so. It has been a lovely Spring, with calming rains. Not so calming when that rain is pouring down the walls of your home, however. Definitely not so calming when the owner of the house you are renting is doing nothing whatsoever about it. And when the forecast is calling for days of the stuff. I am feeling utterly defeated about that. It’s time, perhaps, to look for a different place, but that comes with its own set of complications and frustrations…

 

At least the water is finally running clear! For about two days we were dealing with brown water running through all the taps. Took them that long to realize they were flushing the wrong pipes. Honestly, I’m still a bit skeptical about drinking it, but then, I’ve always been a tad paranoid. And I have trust issues.

 

Also had a bit of a falling-out with one of my only good friends this week. We are both emotional people, and with the places where we both are, can tend to react to each other in not the best ways. It’s definitely led to a bit of a drift from where we once were. I don’t think that distance will soon be closed. And maybe it shouldn’t be.

 

He did help me realize some things about myself and how I see people that I hope will help me in the future. I’ve spent so much time either on my own, not talking with anyone, or in close relationships where that sad fool was the only one I opened up to. That places a lot on one person’s shoulders. But I am just not good with casual friendships and relationships. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but people do tend to get attached to me quite quickly. And on those occasions I get attached, well, nothing good comes from either situation. So I’m extremely guarded. I need to find a balance, however. Otherwise I’m going to keep breaking myself and those that I care for over and over.

 

To end this journal session on a happy note – I am expecting my new Chromebook today. Ponied up $150 for a factory refurbished model. Fingers crossed, I will not be cussing it out daily for stalling or crashing like I do with this baby. I actually considered posting an Indigogo campaign to raise money to buy a shiny new Samsung laptop – they are so pretty – but came to the conclusion that that would be beyond selfish of me. Perhaps later this year, if life stops kicking my ass all over the place, I can settle down with a new mean machine. Sorry, L, it will be a PC. 😉

 

Love you guys, thanks for reading. Maybe now that I’ve gotten some of that out, I can get back to writing pretty things. ❤


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