Monthly Archives: April 2014

Journal…

I don’t have much to say tonight. Maybe I will later. Words keep popping up, so, who knows. I’ve locked up Twitter and WP. There are those who I don’t want to read my words anymore. Yes, it’s about a breakup. A breaking. And needing to regain a safe place. I don’t want someone looking over my shoulder, interpreting what they will. I don’t want or need the pressure of keeping my words at bay. I just want to be fucking free to say whatever comes to mind. And right now, it is a chaotic mind. And a hurt fucking heart. And I need to start treating myself better. Not letting whomever tread upon me. Words are just words sometimes. Just fucking hollow. And I’ll not give mine to one who’s affections are so goddamn shallow. Not when mine mean so much.

So yeah. I’m trying to let myself free. By, ironically, binding myself. And letting him be all that he wants to be without me.  Cuz it’s fine really. I love and hate him. But more love than anything. I just don’t want him to see me, and I definitely don’t want to see him. Maybe ever again. Right now, I don’t know. Right now it’s too painful and I just want to be and write. Without his dark light looming over me.

Cuz it really fucking hurts, to see him there. Everywhere. And to have him here, still a part of my heart. And so very far. Where he chose to be. Not with me.


Why

[audio https://audioboo.fm/boos/2114204-why.mp3]

 

I grit my teeth and bear it

My soul fucking bares it

The need for you extolls

And casts its costs upon

My god damned soul

 

I know you, the core of you

I see you, every inch

I hear you and I wince

At what you share

With those who could

Not care

Less

 

Lest you think

Less of me

I hold your heart

Within me

I care like

You don’t fucking know

I wish that you

Would just show

 

But whatever, right

There is no fight

I guess we just

Drift apart

No end, really

It’s not like you

Would say to me

“Don’t go

I need you

I want you

I’ll meet you”

 

You are too

Obsessed with you

To ever really

Let me in

To show even

An ounce of care

Like goddamn strangers did

So who am I

Who am I

To you

 

You must be getting

Sick of this

If you even care

You read

But at this point

I’m not through

With us

Cuz you

you

you

Were just

What I needed

 

And again

Damn me

I’m laying myself

Bare to thee

In hopes that you

Will what?

Come back to me?

Then what?

 

Go back to ignoring me

Go back to doing

Being

Only

You

Without a care for me

 

I never asked

Never would

You to change

How’s that good

But you failed to respect

And what’s worse

You neglect

Three long days

I waited

While my heart syncopated

You knew

You knew

And not a word

Came through

What was

A girl to think

 

Except we’re through

 

Every day

Every damn fucking day

I miss what we had

And yet I’m glad

For how can I be

With one who cannot be

There for a minute

There to care

There to show

He’s fucking there

 

Why the fuck

Why the fuck

Why the fuck

Should I goddamn fucking care

 

But I do

Cuz I love you

And I hate you

Not that it matters

Anymore

 

I’ll not beg

Not chase

Just release

You to the life

You wanted to lead

Without me

 


Tap That

[audio https://audioboo.fm/boos/2113595-tap-that.mp3]

 

Tap into that vein again

Stabbing, sliding

Push it deeper

Do you remember pain

Isn’t that all

That ever remains

 

Sweat slicked

Impaled by your

Succinct lack of wit

Your presence is

An empty vessel

Filled with all

The bullshit

You spit

 

Your face I wish

I could maim

And yet my body

Still calls you to claim

I’d render you

To ash and dust

Goddamn this need

Fuck this lust

 

I just want

To feel

Something like life

Flowing through me

 

Remind me why

I hate you

Quickly

Please

For this wanton desire

For sweet release

Is slowly

Killing me

And I can’t

Let this

Start up again

 

Just tap into that vein

Make it deep

Make it bleed

Now please


Speak Not

Speak not to me of the warmth of the sun

Of long days singing lovely Summer song

How fair, in the shining, your love becomes

Reminding me, in light I don’t belong

 

In beauteous night, amidst Winter’s chill

My love, devotion, firmly are grounded

Only in the silence my thoughts distill

By light and warmth they only are hounded

 

In day, in lieu of  soft welcome shadow

When silence remains unattainable

Deep I wend in the mind’s somber chateau

Where thoughts are burning, irrepressible

 

Speak not to me of sunny resplendence

The dim and gloom is my true residence


Passionate Indevotion

Each bitter word

I long to say

The memories

I wish would not stay

My bond with you

Was too deep

Your bond with me

Was unspeakably

Shallow

 

I find your words

Like crumbs left

To follow

I mustn’t

I daren’t

Your words

Leave me hollow

Each drenched

In poison of their own

Sweet, succinct

They drip

From your fingers

 

Blame me

Blame you

What does it matter

We’re through

You left me

High and dry

When all I wanted

To do

Was die and drown

In you

 

I was weak

I admit

But was it really

Too much

For a measure

Of kindness

In exchange for lust

I can live

On so little

But you fed me dust

 

I choked

And revoked you

I’m trying

So goddamn hard

To banish you

From this weak heart

But you keep popping up

In too many

Too many

Too many

Hurtful thoughts

 

How dare you

Be angry

With me

You took your chances

The same as me

Can you blame me

Do you

Truly?

When all I did

Was attempt

To save me

From you

 

I laid my heart

At the mausoleum

Of yours

You wouldn’t

Even

Open the door

How long

Did you expect

Me to sit there

Bleeding

Knowing

You

Were inside

Enchanted

Reading

 

Other words

Who you valued

More than mine

More than me

More than everything

I fucking tried

To let you see

You claimed to care

But you

Put the lie to your words

You walked away

Before I did

You sheathed your sword

So don’t wonder

Why

I’m no longer there

I still care

I still love

But you

You made it too hard

To stay

 

Your abject dissolution

Your passionate

Indevotion

Were all the signs

I needed to see

You were done with me

Long before

I walked away

Don’t try to say

It wasn’t that way

 


Fated Night – A Sonnet

Musical accompaniment by @JoseLMendeV   Many thanks to him.

 

Her eyes draw to the window once again

Hoping her love will soon return, longing

Her heart aches, feeling pulled from her, to him

A chasm in the midst of her, forming

 

Rain begins to fall, the wind comes howling

Beating at her windows, rude intruder

Her hand to her heart falls, trembling, fearing

Her mind sprints away, all peace eludes her

 

Her heart skips, in a pained languid stupor

A ringing shatters the waiting silence

On the line, the voice of a state trooper

Speaks softly thus – her love, lost, to violence

 

Thunder rolls, rains pours, tears slowly roll, fall

Her love, her life, this night she’s lost it all

 

 

yes, line 12 is 11 syllables. fuck it. send.


The Muse

[audio https://audioboo.fm/boos/2108045-the-muse.mp3]

 

She patiently watches with eyes of coal.

Peering over his shoulder, through his soul.

She patiently watches him boiling gold;

His words to her, slowly crafted, unfold.

 

An ethereal whisp is all she is.

A whisper on the wind, a dream of bliss,

A touch of love and broken promises,

Memories and longings that burn to kiss.

 

The muse’s lips softly curl in a smile,

Watching her reason for being beguile.

His aesthetic prose, his constructed style-

Pouring forth, pulsing, flowing like the Nile.

 

At the end of the day, work put away,

So too is she, she can no longer stay.

For a Poet’s heart will too often stray,

And a Muse’s is too quick to give way.

 

Into another night, lost, unconsoled,

Left to want and wander in mute remiss.

Searching for someone, aching to inspire;

A true bond which will not lead to dismay.

 

 

sigh. it’s not perfect, but i’m done with it..

rewrote the first line/last stanza, will correct recording later..


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