Journal

I’m so full up of words and emotions today. And I’m running out of time to write. Nother half hour or so is all the quiet I’ll get till tonight. But I just keep writing and deleting, writing and deleting. My mind is too chaotic, my heart too hurt. Granted, those things are pretty much constant, but today, today…

I hurt people by not being enough. By being scared, by wanting. By hurting. Heh, makes me long for the days when I didn’t talk to anyone. When I just bottled everything up and never said a word. I think loneliness is preferable to this. My silence never hurt anyone. My fears never hurt anyone. My wanting too much… God, I’d rather just hurt myself. I can’t take the thought of letting anyone else down, I just really can’t.

But godfuckingdamnit.. Just asking for a little consideration, is that too much? Just to have my feelings be heard, taken into account? It’s so new to me still to even express them, but then to … sigh, whatever. What I want never really matters. I do what I can to make those I love happy, knowing I’m going to hurt them, disappoint them eventually. So why should I ask for anything? I’ll just feel guilty about it in the long run.

I am in a state of chaos. I hurt for hurting. And I’ve no one to blame but myself. I honestly don’t know why I keep trying. For every high there is a painful fall. For every love there is a loss. Today, I’m sick of it all. I just want to shut down. I really want to cry. But it’s nearly time for the smile to be plastered on. Not a good time for red noses and puffy, streaming eyes. So I’ll just shut off. Sometimes, that’s too easy to do. At least for a little while.

I still feel like no one knows me. Think I should throw that out there. No matter how well you think you do, you don’t know me well enough yet. And maybe you should back away before you do. #justsayin

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