I’m so full up of words and emotions today. And I’m running out of time to write. Nother half hour or so is all the quiet I’ll get till tonight. But I just keep writing and deleting, writing and deleting. My mind is too chaotic, my heart too hurt. Granted, those things are pretty much constant, but today, today…
I hurt people by not being enough. By being scared, by wanting. By hurting. Heh, makes me long for the days when I didn’t talk to anyone. When I just bottled everything up and never said a word. I think loneliness is preferable to this. My silence never hurt anyone. My fears never hurt anyone. My wanting too much… God, I’d rather just hurt myself. I can’t take the thought of letting anyone else down, I just really can’t.
But godfuckingdamnit.. Just asking for a little consideration, is that too much? Just to have my feelings be heard, taken into account? It’s so new to me still to even express them, but then to … sigh, whatever. What I want never really matters. I do what I can to make those I love happy, knowing I’m going to hurt them, disappoint them eventually. So why should I ask for anything? I’ll just feel guilty about it in the long run.
I am in a state of chaos. I hurt for hurting. And I’ve no one to blame but myself. I honestly don’t know why I keep trying. For every high there is a painful fall. For every love there is a loss. Today, I’m sick of it all. I just want to shut down. I really want to cry. But it’s nearly time for the smile to be plastered on. Not a good time for red noses and puffy, streaming eyes. So I’ll just shut off. Sometimes, that’s too easy to do. At least for a little while.
I still feel like no one knows me. Think I should throw that out there. No matter how well you think you do, you don’t know me well enough yet. And maybe you should back away before you do. #justsayin