Monthly Archives: March 2014

Pain Fall

When pain has gone on
Far too long
And takes on a life
Of its own

When there is no use
In fighting back
When there’s nothing
To attack
But the very person
You’ve become

When loss and grief
Abuse and mistrust
Have battered their way
Deep into your soul
When all you can do
Is barely control

When life keeps going
When you need
To keep giving
Your reason for living
Just to keep breathing

When every breath
Reminds you of death
When every choice
Brings back the voice
Of a ghost
Of yourself

When it’s so far
From right
All you have left
Is this life that you
Don’t recognize

When the storm calls
And you feel that need
To destroy all
Let me be the one
To take that fall

For you
With you
Always

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Midnight Garden

His voice
At once familiar
Was one she’d never
Heard before

He spoke to her heart
In a way that made
Shadows bloom
Dark gardens
Sprung up
At his every step
Through her
Deeper

Intrinsically
She knew
This stranger
Would leave her
Very soul imperiled
Yet she could not
Resist his pull

His hands
Roughened by a life
That left her trembling
Aghast
Guided her
Enshrouded her
Left her
Always aching for more

His pulse had become
The one song to
Which she’d spend
A lifetime dancing to
A melodic melancholy
Haunting her core

She dare not
Look away
For fear he too
Would turn to dust
That his touch would
Evaporate

She realized
Too late
It wasn’t fate that
Bound them
It was only shades
Of memories
Painted blazing
Pain
Neither finding much
To gain

When the lights came up
When the sun shone brightly
Illuminating all that was not
Had never been
She spied him once again
At a distance
She traced his path
Away from her

His midnight garden
Still flourished
Within her


Apathy

Somehow
I became
The cause of
Your apathy

How easy it was
For you to walk away
The too familiar cadence
Of footsteps crossing
My threshold
On their way out

The doubt you caused
To bloom in me
The benedictions you
Falsely gave
The proposal
You threw away

When did I become
Too much for you
To love
Or was it always
That I was never
Enough

The pain of your loss
Echoes in my brain
But my heart
You left cold
Trust long gone
Faith where it
Belongs
In the grave you dug
For yourself


74 Years

He would have been 74 today. Just happened to see the date. Jeez, how could I have forgotten? On May 10th, I will have been without him for 21 years. 21 years… Whatever pains and losses I have experienced in my life, that was the worst. And for those years I had him, I had a love that none other has come close to. My best friend, my partner in crime. My happiest happiness.

I wish I remembered him better. I’ve written about him before. Those little glimpses of memories that remain. The nights I spent waiting up for him. The early mornings when we’d go out for donuts. How he wore that sheepskin coat mom hated. His boots, his beat up hats. His penchant for corduroy. How easily he laughed. His jokes..

Dad - Halloween

That would have been taken a couple years before I was born. Back when my parents lived down the street from my grandparents – my mom’s parents. Sexy, wasn’t he? The long black socks beneath the boots really set it off for me. Yeah, my mom looked pretty stellar too. God, they were so happy.

Anyone who’s ever been really close to me, or who has had the misfortune of reading some of my earlier blog posts knows the story of my dad. How his parents were cold and cruel people. How happy he was to become a part of my mom’s family. They loved him. My younger aunts were a little in love with him when he and my mom first got together. It was impossible not to love him. He was sweet, funny, kind. He was a big kid. My best friend.

TVDZoo

My brother, me and my dad at the zoo. Guessing I was about 6 or 7? God, we had so many good times. I almost rode an elephant there once. My brother did, but I was too scared. We’d have lunch by the sea lion exhibit. Hot dogs and Pepsis all around. My dad would play jokes on us. I can’t recall them now, but I remember us screaming and running around the concession stands like mad. And my mom trying to corral us all into behaving. “Behave!” Mom would call. “What’s a ‘have’?” Dad would ask. Always got a laugh. At least from me.

I was so like him. Again, childish. Something I haven’t gotten to be a lot lately. I miss it. That light-heartedness he always had that I so readily inherited. Seems to have gotten sucked out of me in recent years.

I miss him. Every day. His loss so permanently altered me. And the memories I have now are so few. The last clear one I have, before all the hospital memories are of he and I riding in the car. It was just the two of us – it so often was – and I was upset with him. I must have been 11. I’d done something and gotten myself grounded, a punishment no doubt laid down by my mother. And being dad he had to enforce it. So I was in the passenger seat sulking. It may have been one of his “Whatsamatta U” jokes that did it. But I remember trying to fight back a smile. Sneaking a look at his crooked grin. And busting out laughing. That was one of the great things about him. You could never stay mad at him.

Anyway, yeah. Today he would have been 74. Happy Birthday Dad. Miss you like crazy.


Journal

I’m so full up of words and emotions today. And I’m running out of time to write. Nother half hour or so is all the quiet I’ll get till tonight. But I just keep writing and deleting, writing and deleting. My mind is too chaotic, my heart too hurt. Granted, those things are pretty much constant, but today, today…

I hurt people by not being enough. By being scared, by wanting. By hurting. Heh, makes me long for the days when I didn’t talk to anyone. When I just bottled everything up and never said a word. I think loneliness is preferable to this. My silence never hurt anyone. My fears never hurt anyone. My wanting too much… God, I’d rather just hurt myself. I can’t take the thought of letting anyone else down, I just really can’t.

But godfuckingdamnit.. Just asking for a little consideration, is that too much? Just to have my feelings be heard, taken into account? It’s so new to me still to even express them, but then to … sigh, whatever. What I want never really matters. I do what I can to make those I love happy, knowing I’m going to hurt them, disappoint them eventually. So why should I ask for anything? I’ll just feel guilty about it in the long run.

I am in a state of chaos. I hurt for hurting. And I’ve no one to blame but myself. I honestly don’t know why I keep trying. For every high there is a painful fall. For every love there is a loss. Today, I’m sick of it all. I just want to shut down. I really want to cry. But it’s nearly time for the smile to be plastered on. Not a good time for red noses and puffy, streaming eyes. So I’ll just shut off. Sometimes, that’s too easy to do. At least for a little while.

I still feel like no one knows me. Think I should throw that out there. No matter how well you think you do, you don’t know me well enough yet. And maybe you should back away before you do. #justsayin


Just Another Shallow Cut

The shallow cuts
She gives herself
That mar and scar her heart
The whimperings
Through gritted teeth
The curses she exclaims

She carries the guilt
Of each
Of her scars
The guilt itself
Is a scar
One that always
Rips apart
Leaving her bleeding
Again

The smallest words
No longer bring comfort
All they do is echo
In the gaping spaces
of rents torn and
left hollow

Frail and unfound
No wings to fly
How she longed to run
To put the setting sun
Behind her and
Take off into the night
Never to be found

Her feet cemented
Keeping her bound
Chained to this rage
of doubt
This fear she holds dear
The only thing
She’s never without
Constant companion
Too familiar friend

Her bleeding and busted
heart still trusted
Just enough
To be stolen
Now lies rejected
Its small needs
Found to be
Too great

Never knowing
When to stay down
She cries on her feet
With expectations
To meet
A robot fueled
By anguish
A crooked smile
No one notices

Too tender to live
Too stony to die
Too used to lies
And needful cries
She’ll carry on
Till she dies


Testimonial

This day to day confessional
Admitting my every sin
But not remitting a one
Everything broken inside of me
Has lead me to this very moment
While I wish every hurt
Had never been done
How can I regret that I’m
Still alive

So many chances I’ve had to cut loose
To set myself free
To let myself fly
Off a bridge
Can’t I take pride in that
Doesn’t that say something good
That I’ve been strong enough
To manage to live

I’m tired of the back and forth
Of sharing and having that
Turned back on me
Someone always comes back for more
It is a bitter hurt
That my sense of self-worth
Is exactly what is belittled
Your weapons in this war
Are mine

But I can’t keep backing away
From the places I most
Want to stay
I know the time will come
When the tides have turned
And I’ll feel that crazy
Craving to run
And instead I’ll plant my feet
Grit my teeth
And let myself get burned
Again

Some fires are just flickers
Their tongues lick
But do not sear
Too quickly were they fanned
Too quickly will they die
So why do I
Still fear

I am incomplete and absolute
In all of my failings
I am resolute
Take me or leave me
Though the leaving would be preferred
Accept my infirmities
My dark side and hopeful smile
Else leave me deferred
I can’t bring myself to care
Just now.


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