To Making Better Choices

I keep telling myself that this year I will make better choices for myself.  In regards to my health, physical and mental, as well as emotional.  I will eat better and exercise more.  I will make smarter decisions when it comes to my love life.  I will be open and honest, and try not to be so afraid – or at least, to not let my fears constantly rule me.  And damnit, I will write.  Because as shitty as I think I am at it, it feels right.

So, in that vein of health-mindedness, I’m gonna do something stupid.  I’m gonna promise, here and now and publicly, to cut down on my drinking.  Quitting outright just seems too drastic.  =P

Over this last year – probably the hardest since I lost my dad – I have relied on this particular crutch far too much and too often.  It’s easy to drown myself in a 6 pack of Ice tallboys.  I don’t know why really, it’s not like it makes me feel better in the long run.  But I have been a drinker since I was 15.  Drinking is an old friend, one of the only ones that’s stuck by me all these years.  And it’s to that friend that I ran to for comfort, more and more as the year progressed.

But I realize it’s not getting me anywhere.  I’d love to be able to indulge on occasion, dig out my PS2 and do some drunk-driving on Midnight Club 3 (I love that game).  But to the extent that I’ve been going at it?  Yeah, that’s gotta stop.

It’s not healthy for me, physically.  I know this.  It’s not healthy for me mentally – bad hangover days really mess with my head and cause anxiety.  And it sure as hell hasn’t helped my love life.  I would get into some of the biggest fights with my ex when I was drunk.  Granted, he was a selfish asshole, but still.

Worse than anything though, to me, is how it affects my writing.  I am not one of those brilliant drunken writers.  I wish I was!  I’d personally tear out my liver and roll it in broken glass if that would let me write the next Great American Novel.  But fact is, as trite and sorry as my writing can be while sober, it is just pure crap when I’ve been tying on one.

Man, I am so good at tying one on.  I am a champion drinker on a good night.  I bet I could drink any of ya’ll under the table!  Let’s find out someday.  =)

But for now, for the sake of liver, brain, heart and whatever combination of organs make my fingers keep tapping these keys – I promise to cut back.  One sixer a week?  Can we all agree on that?  You have no idea how hard that’s gonna be.  Well, OK, someone out there will know.

And hey, if I can manage to survive on one sixer a week, perhaps I can do better.  Part of the process.  We shall see.

Here’s to making better choices!  *raises a glass of water*  =)

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7 responses to “To Making Better Choices

  • Hunt FOR Truth

    I thought I had clicked on follow… this wordpress really makes me wonder – I definitely recall your blog and clicking follow.

    That drinking got out of control. Its unfortunate that it loves you so much because you shall have to bid it goodbye or suffer greatly and perhaps worse than suffer – damage or alienate others. Its pretty nasty when it takes on a mind of its own.

    If you actually care about getting help, you can let me know.

    It often makes the ego so sensitive as that people even avoid people that can help.

    Blessings come in all spiritual lessons — this one just happens to be uncomfortable.

    ~ Eric

    • victoriaflair

      Thanks for stopping by and following, Eric!

      I know this isn’t going to be the easiest thing for me to do, after “self-medicating” so much this year. But if it ain’t hard, it ain’t worth doing, right? I really do appreciate the support. Just, wish me luck – and a prayer couldn’t hurt. =)

      • Hunt FOR Truth

        sure… luck and prayers are wished.
        If you keep it very simple and pray a simple prayer several times a day it helps. The AA people may be helpful. Most people I know that succeed go to AA and have an AA mentor.
        If you can’t stop the in-patient programs give you time to get over the mental compulsion and dry out. If you need help learning about any of this, online help is out there and I will tell you whatever I know if asked.
        Father, please bring the help that Victoria needs to be open in her acceptance of this desire not to drink and please put in her the willingness to keep her from the guiles of addiction. I know your will is always providing loving kindness and guidance for and towards her and I pray that she will receive the strength to turn to You whenever even the fleeting thought of alcohol may enter her mind. Thank You Father for allowing me to give her this little support and concern. You give me far more than I deserve and this makes me ever more gentle and appreciative. Please bring Your Spirit to bear in this life of my young blogger friend Victoria. Thank You Father. Amen.

  • analyticalperspective

    Vic,

    My sister is twisted in emotional knots from childhood abuse. She’s drinking herself to death to feel numb for a few hours a day. I was just thinking about her tonight wishing there was something I could do, wishing I could take her out of her environment, into rehab, imagining who she could be if only…she picks abusive men because she doesn’t believe she can do any better, she has no self-worth and manipulates others to survive. She truly doesn’t know another way; she can’t fathom it, but you can. Please step out of your environment for the “Wendy’s” of the world. You are aware and you understand “who, what, when, where, why, and how” therefore you are personally responsible to succeed. Just do it! Succeed. Do whatever it takes to be the best version of yourself. You have no good reason not to. Prove to yourself that you are not weak-minded. You can do whatever you choose if you think it and will it. And get your bottom over to my blog and post at least one good thing about yourself…please 😉

  • victoriaflair

    Heather,
    I can say from experience that I know what that’s like. From my late teens to early/mid twenties, I was pretty much in the same situation. I can’t even tell you exactly what got me out of it, because those years are such a haze. But I know it had a lot to do with getting myself out of that environment. And I consider myself extremely lucky that I was able to do so. I didn’t really have many positive influences to help me, that’s for sure.

    I am trying, every day, to be the best version of myself that I can be. I know I have so many weaknesses – but I figure those I can’t surmount, I need to find a way to incorporate, to accept and embrace them. And in that way, maybe I can turn them into strengths?

    Overall, I just need to do better by me. Like you said, I have to prove it to myself.

    Thanks for all your support! I really do appreciate it. =)

  • SteveV

    Message from your liver: “Are you trying to kill me?. Because if I go, I’m gonna take you down with me!”. 😉

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