Loneliness

I belong to a site, WebOfLoneliness.com.  I came across it last year, after a failed relationship left me feeling so bitterly alone.  My ex, J.E., wasn’t a great friend, or great boyfriend.  He was decent in the sack, but that’s besides the point.

Leaving him made me realize the extent of my loneliness.  The fact that I considered going back to him, just to not be “alone” was a major factor in my getting online and searching for… something.  Something that would relieve the gnawing ache inside me.  Something that would help.

I wound up signing up for the site, and posting an introduction.  I was 100% sure I wouldn’t be back.  I was just so desperate to just feel some sort of connection.

Hello. ^^ I hate intros, haven’t done one on a forum in years, but here goes!

My name’s Viki, though most people call me Kit now. Kit Smart, after a crazy poet from a million years ago. Anyway. I joined the site on a whim, after another bout of painful loneliness. I’m usually OK with being, for the most part, alone. But sometimes, y’know, it’s bad. ‘Bad’ doesn’t describe it. =/ I have panic/anxiety/depression issues, and enough agoraphobia that a trip on the bus to get smokes takes a lot out of me. I’ve cut off most of my old friends, years ago, because I just couldn’t ‘keep up.’ I’d get tired of talking about how I feel, and fending off their attempts to ‘help.’ Bless their clueless hearts.

So, yeah. I’ve pretty much made the choice to be alone. To not ‘burden’ others with my fucked-up-ness. I’ve had a few unsuccessful attempts at relationships, the last one ending a couple months ago. He wasn’t good for me, but I was lonely, and he provided a bit of a respite.. I’m glad it’s over, but now..

Sometimes I’d kill just for someone to talk with. I cry myself to sleep because life is overwhelming, and there isn’t a soul to talk to. Just one person I can have a connection with, y’know? ^^;

That a good intro? ^^;

I really didn’t expect anything to come from it.  And I was crazy surprised at the response I got:

Truth in life I’ve discovered is that everyone has some amount of fucked-up-ness. Everyone does, some people are just better at hiding it than others. The real trick is perhaps finding someone who will put up with your fucked-up-ness as much as you would put up with theirs. And that is a real trick!

I’d found someplace where the trick was real.  I found a place where all of my feelings, every one, were accepted.  Where I didn’t feel disregarded or ignored.  Where, when I was feeling so painfully low, someone was there to lend a hand to help me up.  That was, immense.

*****

My personal journey with loneliness started with depression.  A deep and all-abiding depression starting when my father died.  And was further complicated with anxiety, a constant companion since I was about 17.  I had friends, close friends, but there was always a line, things I couldn’t – wouldn’t – share with them.  And though so many good times were had, over the years the separation grew into a chasm.  I felt worse, and they didn’t know.  Things, life, got so fucking hard for me, every single day.  And even when I tried to explain myself, I knew they didn’t understand.  My hurt kept eating at me, and the isolation finally took over.

I cut myself off from those friends.  Those loving, caring, positive people.  Because there was no comfort to be found there.  I loved them, entirely.  But the pain they brought with their love was too much to bear.  I felt, like I think all of us feel at some time or another, that no one understood me.  And perhaps, no one ever would.

I spent a few years drifting from one romantic entanglement to another, always thinking that this one, this person, really understood me.  And more, that they were the cure for my loneliness!  I assured myself this was so.  And when things ended, as relationships tend to do, I would feel so deeply rejected and unworthy.  I’d shared with this person the things I had hidden for so long – and in the end, they’d confirmed what I’d come to believe.  That I was, truly, unlovable.

I’d actually come up with my own saying about my life – Viki Flair, easy to fall in love with, impossible to love.

*****

Back to the present, to the WOL.

I have been overwhelmed with the support the members of this site can give.  Even when in the depths of their own excruciating feelings, they are so often there to give support and comfort to people who find there way there.  It is a constant source of amazement to me.  That, when we don’t have enough to give to ourselves, we still find something to give to others!

I count every one a friend.  From Steve, my dearest friend, who makes me laugh, to Tommy, who is so damn easy to love.  From Mary H, who inspires me, and to Carmelia who gives me faith.  From Ed, who is a stead-fast friend and just awesomely talented, to Adam, who is so cool and fun and surprising.  From Craig, who is an amazing writer, to Jon, who is too damn smart for his own good.  And Debbie, my long lost soul-sister.  🙂  Every single member of the site has touched my life, has given me hope, understanding, confidence.  And all I want to do is give that back!

I won’t credit Dr. Sean Seepersad with saving my life, that would be overly dramatic – but I do credit him for easing a loneliness that had become painfully overwhelming.  I thank him for the support I have found on his site.  For the friendships that I’ve made.  For the challenges that I’ve face and overcome.  I thank him, wholeheartedly, for creating a place where I feel I belong.  For a place that has encouraged me to believe in myself.

It’s a feeling I’m still not entirely comfortable with.    But with the help of the WOL, I’m trying.

I still feel lonely.  I wonder if that’s not something in my genetic make-up.  Like alcoholism or diabetes.  Loneliness can be so debilitating.  And, in fact, deadly.  So it’s no wonder I’m so grateful for the site.

I didn’t mean for this blog to wind up as a PSA.  Didn’t intend to use it as a furtherence for Sean’s cause.  But, since it is a cause I believe in…

If you’re a blogger, a Tweeter, or god forbid some kind of reporter!  Or anyone who has suffered from the deep ache of loneliness – please give a thought to reading Sean’s proposal on Indiegogo.  Watch the YouTube video, the WOL Unselfie Project.  Give what you can, even if it’s just a like, or a mention.

Sean Seepersad’s WebOfLoneliness has meant so much to me personally.  I’d like to see what more he could do with support.

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