Marriage, What Is It Good For?

I’ve had this thought before, but recently it’s really given me pause.  I just see/hear about so many unhappy marriages.  I’m starting to wonder again, why bother?  =/

 

It’s an idea that really saddens me, because it is something I really do want to have someday.  A commitment, a bond, a trust.  Something permanent.  I want that feeling of belonging to someone, having them belong to me.  (I know that’s a weird thing to say, but that’s how I feel…)

 

I’ve said before that I’m not a girly girl..  But even I have my fantasy wedding.  Out-doors, in fall.  The aisle covered in crunchy leaves – What’s better about fall than crunchy leaves underfoot? – and the guests all in jeans and flannel, lol.  I go back and forth about what I’d be wearing..  A dress?  Nice thought, but that’s not really me.  Jeans and a flannel?  Maybe not a great idea on my wedding day.  I would want to be barefoot though.  I like that idea for some reason.  Maybe cuz nice shoes hurt, and I wouldn’t want to be in pain on the happiest day of my life.  =P  The groom, and what he’d be wearing is totally hazy.  There would be no bridesmaids or groomsmen – unless it was important to him.  The reception would be pot luck, cuz that’s just fun.  And there’s be kegs and red plastic cups, lol.  I’m such a classy girl, I know!

 

……

 

I was in a relationship years ago with a man who was so amazing, and I loved him so deeply, every perfection and flaw.  I was so ready to spend the rest of my life with him.  He was planning on proposing.  But one day I woke up, and realized it just wasn’t there anymore.  I still loved him, but that undefinable spark was gone.  Losing that made me feel so empty.  I did some horrible things, unforgivable, and broke it off.  And really hurt someone I cared for…  It’s just, that feeling, of being so sure.. and then having that feeling shrivel up and die.  It scared me, really really scared me.  And still does.

 

It’s not like I haven’t been through break-ups before.  Some that hurt even more.  But none that scared me so.  Knowing that my own feelings could be so… mutable.  That I could love someone, promise myself to them, marry them, and possibly fall out of love…

 

My thoughts are all over the place, sorry.

 

Hell, I don’t even know if there is another relationship in my future where marriage would even be a possibility.  So what am I worried about…

 

Sorry, I had a clear thought going into this of what I wanted to say, and I’ve lost it.  I’m just, disheartened.

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