Feeling Bloggy

When I was 12, my dad died.  Cancer.  Lymphocytic leukemia?  I think.  He was in the hospital for like, 4 months.  Me, my mom, my brother were there every day after school, except on weekends, when we’d stay at a friend’s or with family.  Weekends with my Uncle Danny were good.  He’d let me watch stuff like “Piranha” and “Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things.”


I had my only surprise birthday party ever at the hospital.


There’s a bunch of family BS I won’t go into.  Long story.


Anyway, my dad really was my best friend growing up.  So often, it was just the two of us.  We just had the same vibe, y’know?  People have told me how alike we are in terms of temperament, sense of humor, heart.  For a time, when I was drinking constantly, years ago, I thought, “Hey, this is another thing we have in common.”  My dad had been an alcoholic when he was younger too, so I got this, miserable, ironic sense of.. connection?  I dunno.


So, after my dad died, my family kinda died.  I know my mom cared, but there was just this, distance.  And I kinda hated her for a while, so there’s that too.  My brother got all quiet, and adult-ish.  Man of the house, that kind of crap.  So I was pretty much left to my own devices.  Which turned out to be sex drugs and…  Can Korn and NIN be considered rock n’ roll?  That, and booze, ofc.


Heh.  I guess I’m as over it as I can be.  A therapist a few years back told me that my father’s death, and my sortof “abandonment” by my mom and brother left me “emotionally stunted.”  Like emotionally, I’m still 12.  I’d much prefer thinking of it as still being 11.  Everything before February of that year.  ^^


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