Random Thoughts, III

Tonight was rough on TWD.  I don’t want to post any spoilers, just in case.  Lemme just say I cried for about an hour and a half.  Like, pitiful girly weeping (along with not so girly, huge honking sniffles).  I will be waking up tomorrow with eyes so swollen I will have trouble seeing.  😦

 

Now, as a rule, I am not a girly-girl.  I have pretty much given up on make-up, the only thing I do to style my hair is french braids or putting it up in a bun to get it out of my face (you can get some really amazing curl doing this), and my clothing consists of nothing but jeans, torn t-shirts, and guys button-downs.  My hair really is my one vanity though, I’ll admit it.  ^^

 

Oh, and just one little “beauty tip” type thing.  A great simple daily facial.  🙂  Mix up some honey, lemon juice and a bit of cocoa powder.  (Say, 3 tbsp honey and 2 tbsp lemon juice (fresh, bottled, w/e), and a tsp cocoa. – I don’t have an exact recipe, but that’s close.)  Mix/keep it in a resealable container, preferably something microwaveable.   Every night before bed, or after washing your face, whenever it’s convenient, warm and stir the mix and apply a thin layer to your face.  Keep that on for at least 20 minutes (up to an hour), then rinse off with cool/cold water.  It’s amazing how soft it leaves your skin, srsly.  The honey is a moisturizer, the lemon works as a sort of bleaching agent to even skin tone, and the cocoa powder has something to do with anti-oxidants, lol.  Just be warned! – if you’ve just given your face a good scrub, the lemon will sting!  Learned that the hard way…

 

I can’t really say that will completely help one’s complexion.  I still break out like a teenager.  Maybe that’s why, at 32, I still get carded?

 

Jeez, I’ll be 33 in about 4 months…  Maybe 33 will be a good year.  I have a thing about the number 9 and its multiples.  9’s are good.  And 33 = 3×3 which is 9!  So yeah, age 33 is gonna be the turning point.  It’s gonna be good.

 

****

 

The thing about having kids..  I’ve gone back and forth on the subject my entire life.  When I was in my teens – late teens, hell no.  I hated kids.  I’d worked at a daycare and it was a nightmare.  But in my early 20’s, I thought, maybe.  I met a guy I loved and thought I’d spend the rest of my life with.  But I thought, there are so many kids out there who for whatever reason don’t have parents to come home to.  So I really wanted to adopt.  He wasn’t so much into that idea.  Our relationship ended, not because of that, it just fell apart.  And I spent a good 5 years with no mans, and no intentions of having one, or a family.

When I next met someone I fell head over heels for, he again wanted kids of his own.  But, as amazing as he was, he was entirely too immature and unstable.  Couldn’t take care of himself, much less the slew of kids he’d have liked me to bear him.  The next time I gave it any kind of serious thought, I’d pretty much decided that no, kids were not in my future.

By chance, last year I met up with the man I’d fallen for in my early 20’s.  For a minute, we fell back in love, and we talked about it.  I had to ask him, “Do you really, actually want kids, or is this just some societal necessity?”  He couldn’t answer.  It was a huge break with us.  That he couldn’t tell me whether or not he wanted children, that he’d just go along with whatever I wanted…

Anyway, like I said before, at this point in my life, I don’t see it.  If I find a man I want to share my life with, I don’t want to share him with kids.  I’m selfish.  And the responsibility of a relationship in and of itself is a challenge.  And I’m not big on responsibility, lol.  Part of me does still want to have kids.  Of my own, or adopted.  I’m a nurturer, I want to hold someone, support them, teach them, watch them grow and try to guide them…  Part of my heart breaks, thinking that I won’t be able to do that.  But that’s life.  And I’m ok with that.

 

****

 

I want a treadmill for Christmas.  =P  My youngest cousin, Kiddo (I think his real name is Florentino), lost like, over 100lbs last year just from walking.  I’d walk around my neighborhood, but it’s not the safest place.  And, how nice would it be to spend an hour on the treadmill while reading, watching TV or playing a video game?  Niiiiice.  lol  I don’t wanna be skinny, I just want to drop a couple pounds and get a bit more healthy (while indulging in my lazy activities).  =D

 

Sometimes I wonder how much of me is me.  I mean, so many of my likes and interests have been shaped by friends, family, exes…  NIN, Korn..  Anime, video games (before I met Lonnie – the guy I wrote about in the “Unhealthy Relationship” blog – I’d never played a console game).  Dimmu Borgir.  The Dark Tower books.  The Sword of Truth books.  VAST.  Shuffleboard.  Songs like “Hotel California” and “Paint it Black.”  “Brown Eyed Girl” and “Stand by Me.”  Pot and alcohol.  I think knitting is mine.  I think zombies are mine.  I know viking knit is mine.  It’s just, how much of me is truly me, not influenced by those around me?

 

I feel like an asshole, a real shithead sometimes.  I can’t explain, I’ve tried to, and it just makes me feel like even more of a shithead asshole….

 

I like that I have grey hairs.  I’m encouraging them to grow into a solid streak like Rogue, but they’re resisting.

 

I’m so, so so so uncomfortable with people liking me.  Jeez..  Even saying that makes me want to bury myself in the backyard…  It’s fucking sick, it really is.  I crave the attention, the appreciation, the…  acceptance.  But at the same time, it’s so uncomfortable that it hurts.  I’m grateful.  But there’s something about it that really makes me hate myself.  I said it was sick.  >.>

 

Heh.

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