An Unhealthy Relationship

I’ve known this guy since I was 16.  …  This is such a complicated relationship, it would take an hour or two to explain all the backstory…


Heh, whatever.  I know this isn’t a good relationship for me.  It’s always gonna be on his terms, I’m never going to feel good about it, and the only need of mine that would be fulfilled is “not being alone.”  And even then..


And yet…  There are times when he lights me up, when he’s impossibly sweet.


And yet…  Though we live in the same city, I haven’t seen him in, years.  He’s never made the effort to come over.  (He’s moved around a lot, until now it’s been pretty impossible for me to come to him.)


And yet…  I dunno.  He’s cute, and a fantastic kisser?


And yet…  Even though it’s only been a couple times, he’s nothing to write home about in the sack.


And yet…  Actually, I don’t think there’s much else about him that I really like anymore.  We’re not really close – he doesn’t tell me much about his personal life, except how his latest place to live has fallen through, and his car died.  He hides me from his gf, has let me take the blame with her in the past when we’ve “hooked up,” while telling me they weren’t together…  He’s still an obsessive gamer, which I used to think was cute, but gd, he’s 32 now and spends his entire day playing CoD?  That’s why he couldn’t reply to my email, when I really needed him?  =/


I’ve cut him out of my life so many times before.  I wonder if I can again, and really stick to it this time.  I know it’s hurting me.  But sick as it is, he’s the only friend from those good days that keeps saying he wants to be around…


Heh, but it’s bullshit.  Sometimes I think he only wants me around because I love him.  Other people have even told me that.  I’m just an ego boost for him…


God, we had so many good times together.  Running through the golf course in the rain.  Setting up the table and chairs on the median in the middle of the night.  Getting arrested, lol.  The cornfield.  The hotel party where we held hands.  All those nights getting stoned and drunk, lol.  The first time we kissed, during a drinking game. He introduced me to anime, Harvest Moon, and the WWF.  To NIN and Korn and Birdhouse videos.  To martinis and Bruce Campbell movies.  I owe that guy so many pieces of who I am…  And maybe not all of them are good…


I wish I could quit him.  ^^;  I need to.


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